Feb 13, 2018

Time For...

I wrote this as a Note in Facebook. That was in March 2017. I have decided to write again.

After a 2 years hiatus from everything. I needed time to heal. And to heal would mean I have to write again.

Ma left us on 24 February 2017. A year and 2 months after Pa left us. In October 2016, we moved into our new apartment at Punggol Central and we also moved Ma to stay with us. But it was brief..she stayed with us for 3 months before she was hospitalized. She spent her last Lunar New Year in the hospital. Then she asked to go home, home to her old place, where Pa and her lived for the past 30 odd years.

Her time at home was short. In a mere 2 weeks, she went. Quietly, swiftly, without pain or suffering, in her sleep. It was what she wanted and what we also prayed for.

God was good to us, granted Ma her last wish. And my sister and I fulfilled Ma's wishes to have her ashes cast into the sea so she would reunite even in ashes with Pa and in spirit with Pa in Heaven too.

God is Good...All the time!

Here is my story :

11th March 2017 : Two weeks have passed. Ma’s gone to greener, fresher and happier pastures. In that time, work at the shop filled the void I felt in me. Things to do, work space to clear and meals I have to cook to feed the family. Good friends who knew of Ma’s recent passing came to visit me. Many lend their shoulders to cry on and others offered to hear me wallow out loud. But alas, I shed no tears for Ma. In fact, I sounded as if I have moved on. Minutes emptied into hours, hours into days and nights..swiftly and surely, each day passes by quickly.

A little time I had at home, I spent thinking about the past. How God made sure that everything had its time and place. And everything just falls into place under the Heavens. Just as He has said in the book of Ecclesiastes 3 1:8. I didn’t wish I had more time with Ma or wished that I had done this or that with her. But I am very thankful that God gave me time with her. Even spending that 3 months when she moved in to stay with us in our new home. These three beautiful months, I had the time of my life. Everyday was filled with joy and laughter and quality time we spent with her. There were moments Ma’s illness took a toll on her mental state of health. Those were the time we felt at a loss of words and had no idea of how to care for her. And every time I only know how to go to God and ask Him to teach me and to show me how I should go on. 

I am also thankful that my aunties and uncles who stood by me, encouraging me along the way. Without fail, they rallied around Ma every day. Phone calls, messages they sent. And then when Ma passed away, I thought I would cry inconsolably. But God touched me and my heart. I was able to console others instead. 

I know I cried before, in front of Ma, and I told her how much I loved her and hoped she was better. Better enough to sit up, even just to smile or just to know I am here. Some days she cannot recognize me or her siblings who came to visit. I know I cried everyday, especially when I was massaging her body to help with the blood circulation in her body. And each night as I tucked her into bed, I shed my tears again.

 I guess my tears have all dried up when she finally passed. 

Ma had lived a good life. Surrounded by the people she loved and who loved her back. She didn’t have long bucket list but she fulfilled those made by her late father and my dad’s. She lived her life serving others and became the good wife the Bible talks about. She has instill in me that my life as Benny Lim’s wife was to be always by his side. Never to be in front of him and always to be there for him when he needed me. She told me how to be a good daughter-in-law. She taught me to cook. When I became a mother, she was there to guide me along the way. When I had my problems, she knew. When I was happy, she laughed with me. When I was sad, she prays for my pain. When I wheezed so hard when asthma hits me, she puts her hand on my chest and prays the wheezing away. When I needed money to buy something, she just asked “how much ?” 

So every moment I had with Ma, is a moment treasured and remembered. So when she finally passed, God made sure that I knew. And He wiped all the tears in my heart and gave me His undying love and peace. In the dead of the night, the peace in the house I felt, I think of Ma along the way. But I shed no more tears for her. In my heart, I am joyful and happy. I have lived my days filled with her.

God fulfilled that for me. That was all I need and God gave that all to me. AMEN!

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