Happy Talk

Happy Talk sung by Junita Hall from the movie "South Pacific"

When I was a kid, I didn't have many dreams of things I wanna be or to do. I have no ambition. One day in my secondary school, our English teacher ask us to think about our ambitions and what we want to be when we grow up. She wants us to write an essay on it. I went home, disillusioned and I didn't know what I want to do. Because I saw myself as a failure. I couldn't do many things. Due to my medical history, I couldn't run or play like everyone does. I became an introvert and stayed at home all the time. I don't mingle with my peers, nor read the books they read or watch the movies they did.

So I went home, and told my dad about that difficult essay I had to write. I told him I didn't know where to start writing because I have no dream, no point of interest to start it off.

My dad told me :

Start talking about happy things, things you like to do. Forget about the essay for now. Its when you talk about happy things, you know what you want to do. Remember that song they use to play over the Radio ? Happy Talk ?..this is how it goes :


Happy talk, keep talkin' happy talk,
Talk about things you'd like to do.
You got to have a dream,
If you don't have a dream
How you gonna have a dream come true?

This is the many reasons why I loved my dad. He belongs to the generations of fathers who are often the sole breadwinners in any family household. Who spent all their time working and feeding the family. Who is the figure head at home and delegates duties. But my dad was different. Besides all these, he played an important role in shaping me. In helping me to see what I am and what I can be if I try a little harder.

My dad told me once that I had to try all the jobs I could land myself in. So that I have an idea of what I can be, what I can't be. Because life itself is a journey. A journey of wonders. And it will only end when you stop breathing...or when your life has come to an end.

Fast forward to today...what I have become? What have I done? Many many many things...My dad will be 79 years old this August 2011. Yet he has not stop trying new things or learning new things. I know he has picked Banjo playing, and could read Hebrew and he is learning Greek now. My dad is an inspiration to me..that life goes on, dreams can be fulfilled if you start on it.

Many people envied me of my work, my shop and my classes. Some wrote to me and chatted with me online asking me to mentor them. While many thinks I am a super woman who seem to have time for everything. Others wondered where I found the energy to do so many things in a day.

My answer is always the same..."Happy Talk..talk about the things you like to do.." Its the thing that keeps me going, each day. I enjoy doing the things I did every day. That enough gives me boundless energy.

So start dreaming for a while...

Chances are...

Chances Are sung by Vonda Shepherd and Robert Downing Jr from the drama serial "Ally McBeal"

I thought I would never be able to talk about this ever again. A blast from the past came back to me recently while talking to a friend about failed marriages and the break down in such.

Many many years ago, when I just started coming out to work after leaving school. I just finished my 'A' Levels exams and started work in a large multi-national company in Singapore. I was in IT or back then it was called EDP which stands for Electronic Data Processing. In today's terms, its just Computing..! I worked late shifts and because the company I was with was in retailing. We had to visit the stores by night after the store has closed for the day. I had to deal with the security and make friends with them so I don't have to surrender my IC name to them and fill up so many forms just to stay in the store after store hours.

In the midst of my work, I met him. I shall leave his name out here on my blog. And I shall just call him here as MrX or Mr X. He was an ex-cop with the Singpaore Police Force. He wasn't that old a man to retire but he decided to leave the Force while he was in his early 40s so he could still find work outside.

He runs and heads the Security Dept in our company. I had to get his approval in writing to be at different stores by night every week. Its thru this I met him and befriended him. MrX, by and large was a good man. Work-wise, he goes by the book and followed all the proper protocols in work. Off duties, he was fun to be around with. Jovial and funny, all around nice guy. All the ladies in the company liked him.

When the company opened a new store, he and I are like partners in crime..we were seen working side by side. He checks on store's security, I check on all the computers and security to prevent theft, staff pilferage, etc. Its inevitable that our friendship grew from just office colleagues to a new level.

He started dating me. At that time, I wasn't with anyone or have not met Sidney either. So I was young, single and AVAILABLE!! We went out on a group with the office crew..for lunch or dinner. And went on single dates with each other after work. He would see me safely home after each store's visit which is often after midnight.

But somehow, something wasn't right. I just couldn't put a finger to it..so I ask my mom. She said that even boyfriends came from God. That I should seek God and ask if this is the one for me. And so I did...prayed about it for days and weeks over it. At the same time, I enjoyed the time we spent together.

Then it had to happened...my supervisor (a guy) told me he saw MrX with a woman and a young child. They seemed to be quite close and he carried the kid for a while. And joked and laughed with the woman. They were seen in one of our retail stores. So one night I ask MrX about this.. he was taken aback and a bit shocked. And then he said :

"Oh...that's my sister with my nephew. They came to the store to buy things and needed my staff card for Staff Discount. My nephew is very close to me. Whenever I see him, I would carry him. "

And so I believed him. And I apologised to him for mistaking it as something else. After that incident, I stopped listening to such 'rumours' about him from my supervisor. Because at the same time, my supervisor had a crush on me too. So I would like to think that he is saying things to hurt us.

But because we didn't want the whole company to tease us, we kept our relationship private. Outside the office, after office hours. We would be seen leaving the office at different times and end up meeting each other at a central location. This went on for a few months.

Until one day I happened to be in the office early in the morning and got to hear 'things'. The office girls were in the store and they were all gossipping about MrX. So I went to eavesdrop on their conversation. In the midst of it all, I heard that he is applying for a 2 weeks leave from work, bringing his wife and son for a cruise to the Maldives. I was shocked with disbelief and I still wanted to think that people are saying things to hurt me.

So I started to do my own mini investigation. I ask around..and to my horror, I found out that MrX was indeed a married man with a loving wife and a young son aged 4 years old.

So I plucked up all my courage and confronted him. And then he said :

"I love my wife and my son. I would never leave them. My fling with you is just something I call a break from home and from work. I have never intended for us to be together for life. And you wouldn't have gone out with me if you haven't had a certain liking for me. And you are not a kid or under aged in any way. Should we end up in bed, its consensual.. and I didn't force you to do anything"

ok...a step backwards..What do you think I did?

I slapped him hard. And I remembered telling him this:

"You are a coward and a bastard! You cheated on your wife the moment you lust over another woman. You also cheated me of my feelings. How can you say you loved your wife when you are going out with me? I should have listen to my supervisor. I heard things about you and confronted you. Remember? If you are truthful to your wife and to me and you never intended to hurt me, you should have come clean about your marriage and your wife and son. But instead you told me a lie."

And I stopped seeing him soon after and I also apologised to my supervisor for not believing in him.

After this incident, I became extremely wary of men in general. I buried myself in my work and stopped going out or saw anyone that was of the opposite sex. And even if I did, it was just fun and play and I couldn't bring myself to have any feelings for any guy.

If I have not met Sidney, I would have not met Benny either. It was Sidney who brought some hope in me that Love is still a many Splendid thing.

And so now when I look back, I see that all these things happened for a reason. It happened so that I learnt. So that I know. My conscious is clear. Involving with a married man is the greatest taboo as a Christian. I surrendered to God the day I found out MrX was married. And I ask that God forgive me. It took me many years to come into grips with that. Because I was a staunch Christian and to be with a married man was not something I am proud of.

But God kept me safe and He kept me from making more mistakes. So when I met Sidney and later Benny, I had to be sure. But God has blessed me with Benny. Who kept his promise to me to be true and honest. I think I did great in God's eyes. Because He gave me Benny.

ps.. I was only 18 years old when I met MrX.

Been There, Done That!

I Left my Heart at San Francisco sung by Tony Bennett

So many times you have heard someone say : " Yes, I been there and done that!". I have always wanted to be like that..to say to someone that I have been there and done this or that. At least I tried my best to live my life to the fullest and the best I can be and without any regrets. That I have been there and done that. Even if it was unsuccessful, at least I can look back in wonder and be thankful that I was given the chance to do so.

Ever since I started this journey to teach outside my home, my days are filled with only work. I don't have time for family or for my friends. Which is something I treasured dearly. Despite having to run the retail shop, I was able to find time to sit back and relax sometimes and juggle time with my girls and Benny too.

The last straw came on Christmas Eve, a celebration we have at home with our extended family. I was tired and drained and my Uncle Daniel saw it through me. And he gave me sound advice on how I should tackle it. Even when I was having Roast turkey and baked salmon, I was thinking about work. My mind couldn't rest, though my body was weak, I couldn't sleep well at all.

But it is also thru this journey I found a soul mate which I thought was just my better half in many ways. Benny has always supported me in each and every way and every step I take in all my dealings with everyone outside. He knew me inside out and possibly more than I thought he would. He told me not to go ahead with the project to teach outside and I wouldn't listen to him.

I told him : "Let me try. If I succeed, I knew you will be credited for this. If I don't, at least I know I tried and I can leave the City of Regrets behind."

And true enough, I didn't succeed. I spent all my time struggling and making things work. I spent so much time pleasing everyone and in the end I neglected my shop which is the life line that holds us together.

Like a burden lifted off my shoulders, I decided to call it Quits with my project with Robinsons. Suddenly, my asthma just disappeared, my sleepless and unrestful sleep that eludes me for months left me too. I was able to sleep better each night at 12 midnight instead of 3 am or 4am each day.

I lost my fire and my 'fizz' in the things I do and I didn't realise it till Benny tells me. Above all, the last straw came when I couldn't be there when Melody needed me to go and buy shoes and stuff when school reopens early this week. Last school holidays which stretch from mid November to end December, I didn't spend a day with her just to go to the movies or just hung out with her to do our Mother and Daughter thing.

And she said to me "Mommy, it is okay. I know you are busy. I just go with Jie Jie..."

It tore me inside out. And I felt so upset about it. And when I look back, I realised that even in my most busy periods in 2009 with Christmas and New Year, I found time to spend with Melody at the movies, just to do window shopping or even just to eat junk food with her.

And she felt the pinch too..and a loving child I have, she followed me to one of my classes at Robinsons. The so called make up lost time we have is make up at Robinsons.

That's me...on the left and my dear Melody by my side...



And Natasha helped me by running the shop for me whenever I teach. My 2 daughters are the BEST. And I thank God for them all the time. In more ways than none, my priority in life evolves around them.

I will continue with my classes at home..and possibly at Robinsons too. As and when they needed me. Its not goodbye, but good bye for now and see you later again..

A Start of the New Year

Thank You Lord, (hymn) sung by Don Moen

My cousin, John now lives in Vancouver, Canada with his wife Katherine and their 2 boys. He was someone very close to me, very close to my heart. Someone I loved since young. In every photo of past, there is always a boy next to me. And that will be John. Or Hwee Hwee as I affectionately call him. And he would call me by my Chinese name and that was Ting Ting. And everyone in our big extended family would sometimes tease us and call us a couple. When I move, he moves, when I sit, he sits. When I eat my dinner, he ate his. For years we grew up side by side. His parents doted on me as if I were their own child. We would play together and learn together.

But Hwee was very smart, intelligent and also untidy. I was on the other hand, spoilt silly at home. And also untidy. But the funny thing was that when I am with him, I am extremely different. I was always nit picking on things and I tidy up his room for him. Packed his bags and tidy up his books and neatly arranged everything in order.

Today, he wrote a note in FaceBook to reflect on the past year 2010. On the things he did, both personal and work wise. About himself as a husband to his wife, as a father to his 2 boys and as a son to his parents. He noted that he could have been better as a husband, father and son. And wished he could have done more now.

I replied to his note and said this to him :

"AMEN! I have lived my early childhood filled with happiness and joy because you were a part of my life. I have always wished to have a younger brother but God gave me you instead.

And though we are separated now by the miles between us, I have always looked out for you in more ways that you will know.

And in all my prayers for our family abroad, you have always been on my top 10 list of things to thank God for.

Your parents have blessed me tremenously over the years with their undivided attention and love for me. They never treat me as their niece but more like their very own.

We strived better each day, look back in wonder and continue to be better parents as the days takes us.

No one is born a parent, perfect. But God teaches us each day how we should be, how we can be.

A day at a time..."


The little toddler is me..and the baby sleeping/lying down is my cousin John. I was a year older than him. We were staying in the same household with my late maternal grandparents. Thus we became inseparable play mates for years. Even after our parents moved out, I would stayed with him over the weekends and return home every Sunday.

I wrote this post is to reflect too..of how we always wonder how best we can live our lives better or how we can be a better sibling, or child to our parents or a better spouse to our spouses or a better parent to our children. But over the years, I learn to not to look back and expect myself to be better next year. But instead I look back and count my blessings.

Of all the days that God has blessed me, my family here and abroad. Of keeping them safe and healthy. Despite all the tribulations and trials in life we go through, God never fails to heal us, to wipe each tear from our eyes, to touch our hearts and renew it. He never fails to remind us, how precious we are in His eyes, more precious then the sparrows or the flowers that grew along the side crack of the winding road.

And how blessed our lives have became...one day at a time.

May you start the new year with more blessings.So much more that you seemed to take forever to count. In ways unknown and unseen and the great beyond.

Have a wonderful year ahead..!

God Bless you..each and everyone of you.!

Blue Christmas

Blue Christmas sung by Bon Jovi. I particularly like this version than the solemn one that the late Jim Reeves used to sing

What did you do this Christmas eve 2010? I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas with your family, your closest friends and your loved ones. My Christmas was spent like a yearly ritual of food and presents with my relatives. But it paused me to think about the first Christmas I had with Benny.

That was way back in 1986. I was then staying with my mom and the usuals was a home party with food cooked by several aunts and uncles and nieces or cousins. And the merry making of wine and drinks, desserts and cakes. Not forgetting, the presents under the tree.

But it was a quiet one for me. As Benny had to work on Christmas eve. Being in the retail line, he stayed till store closing and by the time they counted the money, close the shop and clean up a fair bit, he came to have Christmas with me...alone.

I remembered my uncle Wong asking me "Where is Benny? Isn't he coming?"

and I said with a bit of solemness in my voice

"He has to work. But he will come later..."

And Uncle Wong said "Then you better keep all the choice cuts of the Roast Beef, the juicy tender chunks of the Roast turkey for him. I think he would like that"

Uncle Wong is my mom's brother in law. And someone I adored and look up to for many years. I was his little flower girl when he walked down the aisle with my auntie some donkey years ago. For years, Uncle Wong doted on me and treated me like his very own. He saw me grew up, and I doted on his 3 children and treated them like my very own siblings. We were a very close knitted family of relatives.

And so it was...all my Christmas spent was spent with my extended families. For years, Benny was never around with me on Christmas Eve. In the recent years, as he rises through the ranks, he was able to go off from work and was able to spend Christmas Eve with the family.

But this year, he was tired and sick. So he stayed at home...and waited for me to return home with packed leftovers of the family feasting.

When we opened shop last year, I wanted our shop to close early on Christmas Eve. And without fail, we continue to do so this year. We had customers ringing us and showing displeasure over the phone and some even berated me for closing early.

On a happier note, this is what I did for Christmas with my family this year

American Carrot Cupcakes with Orange laced Cream Cheese Frosting
Black Pepper Chicken Pies



And had made extras to give to my neighbhours too...


Here's wishing you a Merry Happy and Joyous Christmas with EVERYONE at home and those aboard and A Very Blessed New Year too!

Simply LOVE

"Try to Remember" Sung by The Brothers Four

After my pineapple tarts class yesterday at Robinsons, I woke up this morning..tired and completely drained. Then Benny told me he didn't have to work today. And ask what I would be cooking for lunch or dinner today. I told him I have to go to the shop to work. And I lamented how exhausted I was having to stand from noon to 8pm yesterday. Although the class starts from 2pm and ended at 6pm, I was there at 1pm to prep the place and had to clean up before I leave.

Seeing my tired and almost 'passion-drained' soul, he said this to me:

"I would take your place in the shop today. You stayed at home to rest. And let's go to the market to buy groceries to cook for lunch and dinner tonight"

So I got off to change and left the house without bringing my purse with me. In the car, he continue to say:

"Its been such a long time we go shopping together or even just to buy food together. "

and I said :

"Yes, we are so busy working. You are always rushing in and out for work. I was busy at the store, or teaching."

Then at the wet market, he survey the vegetable section, while I follow close behind. Like a little puppy, following her owner, I felt like that at that moment. Then as always, he would say "How about cooking this with that? I want to eat this and that." And for me, it was always "yes..whatever you like, dear. I'll cook, we eat"

Then he goes to pick and pay for the items..and gave me money to go to the hawker centre to buy breakfast. Then while I was waiting for the food and paying up, he would catch up with me there. And carry all my little bags of bee hoon or nasi lemak.

Then in our short car ride home, he would tell me how much he appreciated me for the little things I do for him, the sacrifices I had to make for him.

It was a simple gesture, just a 15 or 20 minutes ride to the market and a little shopping here and there. But in this short half an hour or so, he once again renewed this love we have for each other.

Remember what I wrote about our Wedding anniversary and about celebrating it? Well, this is what we do daily..so its like having our wedding anniversary every day, EVERY Moment, and Every BREATH we take together.

The simpliest thing here is the Simply Love and Devotion we have for each other...

So for lunch today, he says in a just.."just eat our breakfast meals from the coffee shop..save your energy for dinner. Go and rest..and I will go to the shop later.."

My love tank filled to the brim, my passion charged and my devotion for him, RENEWED.