I am not a big fan of Eric Clapton(song writer and artiste). But a friend once told me he written and sang this song "Tears in Heaven" after he lost his son.
So it seems that this song was often sung or dedicated to folks who lost their little ones. I think its really a very sad song if you put it in that perspective. That is this part in my life as a mother I never talked about... loosing a baby. I never have had lost a baby or child...but I lost 2 in the making.
The first came and was brief, sudden. I was in my early 2nd month of marriage. Still in my so called honeymoon stage. I missed a period and didn't thought of it. Then I told my mom about it, she said better go and check. And I found I was pregnant. I didn't know whether I was happy or sad or excited. I wanted a baby..I think Benny would love to have one too. But we just got married. It would be ideal if we had time to enjoy each other before the little one comes.
But it was the will of God. Or so we thought. I was getting excited and was pleasantly surprised. Benny and I took time to think and plan what and how we should re-decorate our home. We were staying with my mom soon after my marriage. Our HDB Flat is not ready(still in building stage).
Then I started spotting..soon pain came and before I knew it, I lost my first baby. Just like that. All in 3 and half weeks of knowing I was pregnant. I was devastated. I remembered fondly that my late father in law was very forgiving. He said he ask "Pu Zai" (Buddha) to bless me and I will be pregnant again soon. Although I was a Christian, I knew that he meant well and prayed in his own way for my recovery. My mother in law took care of me..cooking tonic soups she said would help me to strengthen my womb for a new baby.
My dad told me otherwise :
"Ting, God gives us the BEST of everything. Loosing a baby its not the end of the world. In fact, its the beginning of learning to lean on God for everything. A child lost this way means its never meant to be. Take heart and know that He only gives the best to us."
Then life goes on after that..and true enough almost a year later, when my body and womb has recovered, I was pregnant again. But Natasha as a baby in me also gave me much medical problems. I was bleeding throughout my pregnancy from conception till I was in my 28 weeks. When the bleeding stops, the gynae found too much blood clot in the birth canal and planned that I was to have a C-section.
I was anemic to make matters worse. And had fainting spells all the time. Once into my 20th week, I fainted in town after walking down the steps fro a bus and a passerby rang an ambulance and send me to the hospital. I never got to say "Thank you" to whoever that send me to the hospital.
Natasha was also born prematured..a month shy of being a New Year baby..she was born on 14 December 1990. But she was perfect in every way. Despite of all the medical problems I had to face. She was a splitting image of her dad. My in-laws adored her. And showered her with kisses and hugs. She was my late father-in-law's favourite grand child.
Years later...I wanted to have a 2nd child so that Natasha won't be alone when we are back with God. I was pregnant sometime when Natasha was about 3 years old. This time, we had plans made and then it happened again. Again, I was planning for the baby to come. I had bought all the new baby stuff and bed. Then I lost the baby again..thru a miscarriage. This time, it tore me up really really deep and bad. I found out that my baby was a boy. Which Benny and I had planned to name him "Jonathan" which has a meaning of "Gift of God". I could feel him inside me. Then I bleed like I did with Natasha too. And I thought, that's normal.
But Jonathan was never meant to be. This time, maybe because I wanted a baby so much. My tears were not comforted. I remembered crying alone and I didn't want Benny to see me in tears. I was working in Jardine Fleming back then. Su, my boss was the only person who comforted me. So she send me off to Malaysia, and to Indonesia to work. So that I could forget.
Then I threw away everything I bought for my baby Jonathan. I gave away his baby clothes. I sold the baby cot. I gave away my maternity clothes to the poor. I don't want to see the things I have prepared for him. Natasha was too young back then to understand.
Then a year later..when the dust has settled. My tears have been wiped...I found out I was pregnant again. This time, I told myself not to get too worked up again. Until the baby is born and I am carrying him or her in my arms, its here to stay. Till then, we just wait and see.
2 months into the pregnancy, I started to experience problems. The gynae suggested a fluid test as I was nearing 35 years old. Which I did. And they found out she's a girl and may be a sick baby with multiple deformities.
I remembered the people around me...crying for me silently and praying for me. I remembered Auntie Katherine and my late uncle Daniel Chen(both from USA)..they prayed for her and for me.
Benny and I cried for her. We told God that we do not want to bring her into the world to suffer if she has all these deformities. We ask God to take her away like He did with Jonathan and my first one. But God didn't. In fact, the specialist doctor told us that the fluid test is not a 100% proof that the baby is deform. After all, one is taking fluid in the womb that had the baby's dead skin cells being tested. Its just to know what to expect and how to react.
My dad said "If God gives you a baby and He doesn't take it away, then the baby is meant to be yours forever! Learn to lean on Him and pray for deliverance"
And so we did...for 5 months till her birth, we prayed..together with Brother Kim San from our church. Brother Kim San lead a group of Christian brothers and sisters and prayed every Thursday for her. They ask for God's healing and strength.. For months, no one knew what to expect and along the way, many grew weary. Brother Kim San stood on his ground and lead the group to pray with faith put on God.
My little girl was born prematured..at 30 weeks. The moment she drew breath, the doctors wheeled her into the incubator. They drew blood from her tiny body to check if she had blood disorder and X ray her to see if she had any deformities inside her. After going thru a battery of tests, scans and X Rays, they found her PERFECT in every way.
When I was awoke from the c-section, Benny and I returned Melody Lim to God...and Thank God for giving her to us to care for and to love. That every breath she takes, is a gift from Him. And every word she speaks, she would speak of His Glory to us all.
Now moving forward.... my Little Melody is 12 years old. Just finished her PSLE and came out tops! Her sister, Natasha is in her first year in University.
When I looked back in time..I knew of the many tears I have shed in silence for Jonathan. I dont' talk about him to anyone. Because it still hurts. So I can understand any woman out there who tells me that they still grieve over their lost baby. If Jonathan is alive, he would be 14 years old now. But I know deep in me..he is in Heaven. Waiting for me and Benny.
Till that day comes, my tears for him will still run..silently, in moments here and there.
To all who frequents my blog and read it with comfort or in sadness...do know that God oversees us in everything we do. He will give you a child of your own some day..some time. Just learn to lean on Him.