Those Glorious years...

Footloose Dance Sequence : Footloose movie

I stayed up last night just to watch a re-run on TV on this movie called Footloose(1984). Well, more like I stayed up just to catch the last dance scene..only to find out that its on youtube too.  And in the process found that there is a remake of the old movie..with newer songs added and possibly some changes to the script and more dance sequences..looks like I have to go and get the DVD for it now.

This movie brought back many memories for me. Bittersweet..some are happy, some are not. The year the movie was released in Singapore and the song became a hit on radio all time. I was working long hours with the now defunct Emporium Holdings. I travelled on public buses with earphones to the Sony Walkman, listening to all these 'hits'. There is Footloose by Kenny Loggins, or "Let's Hear it for the Boy" by Deniece Williams.

1984 was a year of big happenings , big milestones that shaped my life. My late granny died suddenly a year earlier..I was 21 in 1984. Sidney and I were still dating. I had a birthday celebration at home.. It wasn't anything fantastic I did. Because I was still grieving over ah ma. I just want to make ah kong happy. He was already wheelchair bound and often in tears when we gather the family together because he was reminded that his beloved wife wasn't around him. Sigh..life at home is often about our elders and how we should make them happy. Now I looked back in time, I am happy that we make an effort to make Ah kong happy. He passed away peacefully..

This is not intended to be a sad blog entry today. It was a year I learnt new skills, made a difference in my life and made a stand to choose to be happy forever. A year I took to grieve and to let go. The pain I felt and the tears I shed for ah Ma finally came to an end. 

I started teaching in Sunday School in our church and was graced by God for that. I spent much of my Sundays in church. Worked with young kids and got a yearning to study on Ministry to Children and got a certification on it too.  I was taking care of very young kids who are born into unhappy homes. With abusive parent or neglected families.

A year it took me to realise how blessed I was being born into a family where my parents doted on me. My relatives (aunties, uncles, grand parents, cousins, etc) are very close knit. 

A year before, my sister, my 2 cousins and I went to watch Grease at the cinema..after my granny's passing, we stopped doing those cousin with cousin outings. My uncle Andrew told me to keep the family alive by getting the younger cousins to look out for each other as it was something Ah Ma use to do. So it became a life long goal..

Several years forward, having my own girls now..I must have done something about that in the works. My niece, already an adult, would drive the family car to fetch my cousin Doreen and pick up my daughter Natasha for a night out with the girls..drinks, party in downtown Singapore to meet up with Dagmar(another one of my cousins who was visiting us from New York, USA)..

Ah ma..from where you are up there, I did it!!! 



Mind you, Natasha was under-aged at this time when this photo was taken. She was barely 16 years old. But could easily pass out as a young adult so they let her into pubs and night spots and she went drinking and partying with the girls.

The boys in the family hang out in the usual places..the elderly gather together once a month for food, chit chat and gossip on life and everything else.

Till today, I am so proud to talk about us..about our family together. Where we cared for each other, the way Ah Ma expected us to be.

A year later in 1985, I gave up on Sidney and met Benny, the love of my life and the one and only person who completes me. A friend once ask if I had the chance to live my life all over again, what choices I would have made. I would chose to meet Benny again, in fact, sooner. So that we can be together longer and earlier.

Benny and I did many things as most young people did in their age and time. We go dancing together..he was a better dancer than me. We sung all the 60s, 70s hits together too. In every facet of my life, he was there for me. And we shared common interests in life and things, in food and even in drinks.

Today, my life still  evolves around them..the people I grew up with, my family. The man I loved and continue to love. Some days I am tired and hateful of general things. And Benny senses my unhappiness and jumps to it and 'rectify' it. He would say things like "today, you don't have to go to the shop. " or "I bought fresh watermelon juice for you, no ice". I am a simple person, with very basic and simple needs. I don't need fancy lifestyle or gifts to make me happy. To live with me, you need to understand me. And no one does it better than Benny.



Nobody Does It Better Sung by Carly Simon

I hope one day in time..when I grow really old, I can tell my girls that life is better now because we dare to make a difference and make a stand to choose and find happiness for ourselves and to be happy forever.. 

Love me, Always

 I have NOT disappeared..just way too busy and way too tired to blog. On life, on home, on love and everything else. Since my last post, so many things have came and went. Six long months..my knee just gave way to the pain and I couldn't walk for many days..dragging onto almost 2 months.

 I walked with a limp, at night was worse when I need to get up to go pee..I couldn't get up from the bed. I resorted to "no-drinking" of any kind of fluids, soup, whatever after 9pm. Benny was in pain too..not physically though. Mentally, spiritually just watching me wrenching in pain physically. He took me to Gleneagles Hospital to see the specialist doctor. And was supposed to go for a MRI Scan.

I was out of action for 6 weeks. I couldn't teach as I couldn't stand properly. And if I sit down, I couldn't get up without help. I wanted to go and get a walking stick and Benny would see to it that I didn't. And he said to me : 

 "Don't walk around with a stick. Because you don't need one. I will hold your hand in mine, and I will walk with you for as long as it takes." 

And that said, he held my hand and helped me up the stairs in our apartment block as we stayed on the 2nd floor. And when I get out of our car, he would come and open the door for me, and he would help me up. He would pick up my bag for me. Help me with all the little things we all took for granted. For 6 weeks, he would go out and buy food and wouldn't allow me to cook. I run classes on a limp. After weeks of taking medication, the pain slowly and surely left me. 

Now I am back to my old self..happy-go-lucky. And still, Benny by my side..our relationship became stronger than ever, like a double edged sword fought over a 1000 battles. He used to hate watching soap dramas on Channel 8. Now he spends time with me, watching silly soapy dramas with me. Not that I am into such dramas..but just want to relax, cool off my mind from work and things. 

Every day our time spent together is measuring the love we have for each other. Doing things for each other. Then my mom went ill and my sister ask me to visit her whenever I can. And before I could say anything to Benny, he suggested that all my Sundays were to be spent at home..cooking for my mom. And he would drive me there to visit her and chat with her. 

So the past 2 months now..all our Sundays are spent together with my mom. And there were days he went to Johor Bahru with his ex classmates ..just to hitch a ride there as Benny had his tooth extracted from a dentist in JB. He had to go there every 3 to 4 weeks. I wouldn't go with him. But he felt a loss and somewhat strange when he went with his friends. I encourage him to have his own time with his friends. Away from me, family and work. But he is away, I felt a loss too. Some awkwardness that is difficult to describe. And when he gets back, he would tell me of that same awkwardness he felt too. We have grown accustomed to each other. To the way we do things. While we waited for each other. 

Now we do every thing together. Seeing the doctor, doing deliveries, having lunch or dinner. Watching soap dramas, packing stuff. Benny became extremely sensitive to my needs. To how I feel of things in general. He is upset or worried easily if I am upset. And if I am worried, I dare not show openly to him. He became defensive towards my needs. If anyone said anything harmful or hurtful to me, he jumps to my 'rescue'. 

 These days we talked more about growing old together and what we would do when we grow old. Of we should fill up our days should we not be working anymore. We do not know what the future holds for us..but we know we will see each other through all the days of our lives. And he told me that if I grew to be really old and couldn't walk, he would still hold my hand. 

And with that I said to him "Ben, Loving you, Always.. !"

Love and Be Loved

The Moon Represents my Heart sung by the late Ms Teresa Teng.

Ms Teresa Teng was my mom's favourite chinese singer. For years, I grew up listening to this song on radio and later on cassette player when my mom would play it all the time.

I think many of us who grew up in Asia in the mid 70s would know or heard of this song and know of Teresa Teng.

We just got back from Guangzhou, China last Friday afternoon. A short and sweet mini honeymoon sort of holiday. I chose to be this time because its cold in China. We stayed at the Furama Hotel. And quite close to the river where many locals and tourists flocked there to 'romance' under the stars at night or just to sit there and watch the world go by.

I had intended that we go there too..but my knee suddenly misbehave and I was in pain. I couldn't walk very far, and even if I did, I literally took baby steps and very slowly too. I took him to places I would go whenever I travel to Guangzhou alone in the last couple of years. The places I go to eat my breakfast, lunch or even dinner. And I took time to tell him of the things I do to keep my mind off on the family when I was alone in Guangzhou.

Benny literally walked the steps I took..in Guangzhou. Seeing where I have been, places I have gone to shop or just unwind.

However, due to my knee problem, he also took small steps with me. We did the usual tourist thing like going to Beijing Lu(a tourist belt in Guangzhou). Beijing Lu is similar to our Singapore's Orchard Road area. But I was in pain, so he said "let's go back to the hotel to rest. Unless you want to shop and buy things?"

And I said:

"We didn't come to Guangzhou to hibernate in the hotel!"

and then he said :

"But I am tired and tourist shopping for clothes, shoes is not my thing"

But I knew..he was concerned of me. The first 2 days we walked in the bitter cold in our wind breakers and thick coats to have breakfast. Then by the 3rd day, my knee just 'give way'

And he got up early and said :

"I will go and buy breakfast. What do you like to eat?"

We had dinner with friends..with the freight forwarders who handles our shipment. They are more like family to me than business associates. For years, I have treated them like my sisters and brothers. And while we were there, they ferry us around town and brought us round to shop too.

I didn't take any photos with Benny..just photos of him eating. And everytime he digs his spoon or chopsticks into any meal, he would say something like :

'Its good..but it lacks something..."

and then I would go "What? too salty? too oily?"

"No, it lacks the chilli sauce you made for me."

We spent 4 days in Guangzhou China. We rekindled our old courtship days..of us walking hand in hand, doing things for each other. With him opening car door for me or shopping door for me, Waiting for me while I buy chinese junk food to eat.

For 4 wonderful days, Benny make me feel like a million dollars. My love tank filled..to the brim. My batteries re charged. And then on the way back..in the air plane, he said to me

"Let's do this again..maybe later this year.."


Benny having his breakfast at this dim sum joint I frequent..


The next day(2nd day), he ordered his favourite Chives and Minced Pork dumplings...


He waits for me while I took photos of kitty, cats by the road side..letting me do the things I enjoy doing.



and even though he doesn't like pastries and cakes or KFC, he just wanna try every silly thing I did when I was travelling and working alone in Guangzhou China

This is the Portuguese tarts by KFC. We had to order KFC meals just to get these tarts.



And though he prefers normal steamboat over Mala Pot, he just had to try this once just to please me





Even at the Departure hall at Baiyuan Airport, I said must try this cafe's food..so he did.






So to end this post..if you were me..wouldn't you feel that the world stood still for 4 days and your love for that special someone was worth it all?

That's what I felt..Happy, Contended and still very very happy...as if still in honeymoon. And mind you, we are married for 24 years now.

Tomorrow, Suzie will be visiting our shop..the same friend of mine who brought Benny to me..

Wishful...

I Love How You Love Me sung by Bobby Vinton

Today is Valentine's Day. A day where every loving couple shared their moments of love with each other. Different people do it differently. Those who can splurge on good things would take a holiday perhaps, others go for candle-lit dinners of good food and wine. And then there are the many hopefuls out there wishing , and waiting for that someone who is just perfect for them to come along.

Benny and I have loved each other since the day we met..and that was in July 1986. I remembered it clearly because it was about the time after my birthday in late June which I celebrated alone...yet again. Feeling depressed, and lonely, I seek my solace in Suzie, my best friend from school. And she said "Gina, I'll figure it out for you. Give me time to find someone for you."

And yes, she did. She sent Benny to me a few weeks later.

Its been such a beautiful journey I made for Love. And it was planned that Benny and I would spent the rest of our lives together like Valentine's Day. So we did things for each other, say silly love words to each other, every day, every moment of our lives. How time flies, its been 6 months now since he quit his full time (good paying) job to be with me. To work with me and side by side.

I won't say its easy. Initially we had fights, big and small. We came head on clashes with each other. I was always head-strong in everything. Being the youngest at home, my parents spoilt me silly. Always, Benny would give in to me. All the time! But when we work together, he was out of his comfort zone. A place he used to work where he reigns over all. Now I seem to have the say of everything and anything. And his pride was hurt.

I learnt quickly that a man needs to have his day all the time at work. A day his pride is at the best. So I went to God and ask that He humbled me and mellow my overly eager spirit to rule everything and anything. And then God told me "Be the wife in the Bible. The one which the Book of Proverbs spoke of..the woman who puts her family first. And like a servant, she humbles herself in front of her husband. Where she is loved and adored. "

And so, here I am, re-born you might say. And then I looked back in all my years as his wife, I realised that I was always in the background. Always the one who plays the soft and subtle music. The person who stood behind, never in front. The one who spoke only when spoken to.

In the recent months, I wrote funny status quotes about "My boss" at Facebook and people replied "I thought you are the boss?". And then I said "no, I am the one who sweeps the floor, clean the table, wash the dishes and make kopi(coffee)". In short it meant that for as long as Benny works with me in the shop, in our business, he is head of the household, the boss in the company.

We do things together. We seek each other's opinions on everything. I learnt to humble myself and spoke to him as if we are still dating. No more raised tones, no more harsh notes. If I am upset, I show my displeasure. If he is angry, he shows his temper. But all these never passes a day. We end our days with a happy note.

Recently there was sales order we had and it was to be delivered to the customer's residence. I couldn't go with him as I had guests in our studio..TV crew, Mediacorp artistes came to ask me things for their upcoming TV program.

So I told Benny :

"So today you go alone..please drive carefully..slow down if you can. If you are lost on the road, just ring the customer to tell her. "

And then he said "no worries, I got the GPS on, I will figure my way there"

He did his deliveries and drove home. When he reached home, the girls have gone to school..the house was empty, and quiet.
I was still in the shop.

And then he sms me to say :

"Miss you, its very lonely to do delivery alone."

Later that evening, he came to the shop and all he could say was : "how was your day? Did the TV people give you problems? Did you have any difficult customers?"

and he went on and on asking me if my day alone in the shop was okay and whether I have eaten my lunch properly as I was busy entertaining people and I often forgot to eat. Before I could even ask him the same.

And he said to me :

"I think when I am very old, I will ask our girls to send me to the old folks home"

When I heard that, I knew what he meant, I was almost in tears but I put on a happy face and said :

"What? You want to leave me at home with our girls and be their house maid while you play Chinese chess at the home?" Of course I knew what he was trying to say..the greatest fear he had in life was that I wasn't around in our autumn years. And then he would be alone and how he used to wish that he would go first as he thinks that I can handle it without him.

When you reach this age in your life with your partner, Death is something you don't talk out loud. Its said in subtle ways, beating around the bush about it.

And then I told him "We told God many many years ago that He should take us home with Him..together. Never to leave one behind. And I still believe that it will happen this way." And so that was why when we do things without the other, our hearts ached and we felt somewhat awkward in our way.

A Valentine's Day is meant to be a happy day, to talk about love and all the nicest things you share with your better half.

For me and for Benny, we celebrate this every day. And every moment of our lives together.

Next week, from 20th to the 24th February, we will run away together..away from work, family, our girls and home. And rekindled our youthful days of being head over heels with each other..spending blissful moments..

May you all have a Blissful Valentine's Day today..and all the days of your life together..

God Bless you..

A Taste of Time with all things Chinese

LOVE sung by the late Nat King Cole

Today is the last day of the Lunar New Year celebration. Chinese folks here and all over the world would celebrate this day with more feasting of good food with their families and close friends. Being a Christian all my life, I never quite get to celebrate it in full swing. As Chinese New year is also about traditional belief, old chinese culture of filial piety, of respect for others, and alongside with prayers and burnt offerings to the deities of Chinese belief.

Most people think that Chinese belief are a religion. I see this as a practice and a hand-me-down of a set of rules and must-do from one generation to another. Not many people now follow these practices. But some really go to great lengths to practice it.

My mom always tells me "We are Christians. We cannot pray to our ancestors or offer burnt offerings. Just follow the feasting part will do. And have respect for others who are non-Christians. Especailly your inlaws. Do anything they ask of you, minus the prayer part, offering of incense and burning of offerings."

So all these years, I played the role of a dutiful wife to Benny, a respectful daughter in law to my mother in law and an obedient child to my parents. Because I believe that despite being a Christian, I am still very much a Chinese.

My mom told me as the eldest Daughter in law, it is my duty to cook and serve my inlaws. In the begining of the early years, I can't cook at all. And I so thankful that my late father in law was so forgiving and he did all the dishes for me. Along the way, I stood by his side, helping him to prep the dishes and learn a thing or two from the old man.

And every year when I cook and prepare the feast for the family, I am reminded of him. Of how he would cook and prepare the meals. I have fond memories of him. Unfortunately none of his children are interested in cooking or prepping food. I was able to learn much from him.

This year our Reunion Eve Dinner was prepared at my new studio. Since I wanted to keep it 'halal', I chose recipes that does not have wine, pork or lard oil. Here's what I cook :



Because my mom in law was a vegetarian, I had another section just for her. Its a vegetarian steam boat pot set aside with veggies to cook and dip into



Then on the First day of CNY, we had our first meal with my mom in law. And every year, its the same food. A big steam boat pot with Napa cabbage, fish maw, fish balls swimming in chicken stock. Side dishes are braised sea cucumbers, chicken, steamed prawns.

Then we went home to change..and went to my mom's place for dinner. My mom is no longer fit to cook for so many people, so my aunt took the liberty to order food by a catering company.

This is what I mean..Chinese New Year is now all too modern. People stop cooking for families reunion dinners. In due time, no one understands the true meaning of what Chinese New Year was meant to be. Just like Christmas.

Some one ask me why I can be bothered to cook such an elaborate feast to serve the family. I find great joy to do this. Even my mom ask me.."you can just order the food, why labour over it and fuss up the whole kitchen just to cook for us?". Then Benny told her "It gives her great joy and she enjoys doing it. Plus, home cooked food are tastier, less msg, salt too."

Benny knows me too well. And with each feast I cook for the family, its always him who decides what goes on the table. In a way, you can say we planned the menu together. After all, we are feeding families closed to our hearts. The people we loved and continued to love.

This is what I cook on the 7th day of Chinese New Year..also known as the Birthday of Men or 人日. Every year without fail, I would cook and invite my parents, my sister, her hubby and my niece for this. This year, Benny invited his friend and wife and I included my cousin too. Because she stays only a few blocks from our place.

In the dishes shown, 2 of them are Seok Buay's most priced recipes. The ultimate dish was the French Seafood soup.



Today..no feasting. Because its a monday and everyone is either in school or working.

If you want the recipes for what I have cooked, go to Culinary of Fame to get it. Or if you are already a member at my KC Forum, find it there too.

Enjoy and may you have a joyous, happy year of the Dragon..filled with the abundance of Good Healthy, Love, Prosperity and Happiness.

A Tribute to my Mentor

My Saviour, My God, Written and performed by Aaron Shust


When I started Kitchen Capers forum back in July 2004, my mentor and good friend, Seok Buay taught me how to cook this delicious and most delightful French soup. I told her back then that this dish will be the FIRST recipe I will share online at the forum.

And since then, I have not stop sharing recipes online. Whether its at my forum or at other forums which I visited often.

Yesterday I cook this again for our family's lunch at home.

When I was cooking this soup, memories came flooding back to me. I was tearing all the time. Because I was reminded again, how much I loved her and how much I missed her.

When people talk about things in their life that pauses them to think about life. I could only think about food and about how Seok Buay has made an impact in my life. She left behind her legacy to share with anyone, everyone, any where and every where. She selflessly shared with me the deepest secrets to good food. Which is actually just LOVE, TIME and whole lot of PATIENCE. And these 3 key ingredients makes the best of everything you put out on the dining table.

This soup may not be cooked in the way it is explained here. If you have learnt to cook this from a French method, this method differs greatly. I fused both Western and Chinese methods of cooking to perfect this soup.

Its alot of work, alot of time and effort. But the end result was that our guests came back for seconds. It was so satisfying that they ask for a bigger bowl to have the soup and wouldn't stop at 2 bowls.

Enjoy..!



French Seafood Soup
Recipe by the late Mdm Tan Seok Buay
Re adapted by Gina Choong

Serves 10
Ingredients:
4 carrots(cut)
2 large white onions(diced finely)
8 large red tomatoes

4 flower crabs(medium size)
1kg Mussels
1 kg white clams
1 kg of large King Prawns
1 kg of squids
500g scallops
1kg salmon fillet
2 bottles of White Wine

4 litres water

Herbs/Spices: **
10 pcs of Bay Leaves(dried ones are fine)
1.5 tbsps each of the following:
Ground Thyme
Rosemary Leaves
Ground Oregano
Sage Leaves
Ground Majoram
Ground Black Pepper
Cajun

Method:
1. Clean and chop/break crab claws and cut into smaller pieces.
2. Using a large sauce pot, add 3 tbsp Olive oil and stir fry onions till fragant.
3. add all the herbs/spices into it and stir fry.
4. Add tomatoes(chop), carrots and then water
5. Cook on medium heat/fire till boiling.
6. Add all the crabs into it. Boil for 10 mins on medium heat.
7. Remove the crabs and add it each seafood item one at a time.
8. Remove each item to briefly cook it. Drained well. Set aside.
9. Remove the vegetables, puree it, and then put it back into the soup to boil for 10 minutes.
10. Then strained the pureed vegetables and discard. return the soup to the pot to cook.
11.Once it starts boiling, add in all the seafood items back into the pot.
12. Leave it to simmer for 10 mins, then add wine.
13. Serve warm..

My notes on Seok Buay's recipe:
Seok Buay uses dried herbs as she says most Asians are not used to the strong flavours if you use fresh herbs. I find this extremely true. It took a while to win friends over to try the soup.

Seok Buay says that this soup is versatile and you can just change the ingredients list each time based on what you can get from the fresh seafood market each time. And every time you cook this dish, its different again. But what stays with this dish is the love you give out to others. That's what I liked about this dish.

Who would ever thought that a humble French seafood soup would cause such an impact to someone unseen, unheard like me? In July 2004, no one knew who I was or what I was doing. And obviously no one cared too.

But this dish spin-off and started a whole new career for me. Teaching me the simple things in life and the riches you get in life isn't all about money or fame. Its the friends you made, the people that left their foot prints in your life.

I think of you all the time...

I Wish you Love, sung by Lisa Ono

I have been extremely busy with work, with my classes and with family, with the people I love. Ever since Benny quit his day job to work with me in the business, I became even more busy than ever. Maybe because I was able to do all the things I wanted to do for the business now.

But having him by my side meant we saw each other day in day out. We do things together. We have every meals together. And anywhere I wanna go, he said he will drive me there. He told his friend "I am like having honeymoon everyday"..and I told my friends that I am going on a date every day whenever I go to work.

There were things I wanted to do with him when we first got married. When we first met, and loved. But never in my wildest dreams was to have him by my side. Benny was a go-getter, strong headed. I was a risk-taker, bull headed(most of the times!). And I think we couldn't work together.

He reminded me so many times why he took out all his savings to start the shop. It was for him to retire from working for others and he still thinks we can work together. With his vast retail merchandising experience and with my risk taking marketing skills, my teaching skills and I seems to-know-everything skills, he said we could ROCK this part of the world.

In the first month, we argue alot. In fact every other day. I have struggled for 3 years alone in the business. He just joined. I don't care how many donkey years he had in retailing, but I had to have my own way of doing things and he has his too. One big fight lead us to think about us working for the good of the business and our love for each other.

And then, i took a step back. Turn to God and ask Him to show me and to teach me where I have gone wrong.

And God reminded me of my place in his life. That I was always the supporting figure in his life. Someone who stood in the background. Someone who always there when he needed help, when he needed love and attention. And there, I cried to God...

I went to Benny and I cried. And I said SORRY. And we shouldn't fight each other. But we should learn to re-live our life together again. As we need to work together every day. We should take a step back each time we need to raise our voices at each other.

Then Benny told me that at the height of his anger at that moment, he said things he shouldn't have. In turn, he need to go to God and ask for forgiveness too. And God showed him that the Key ingredient to a successful and happy marriage is to be able to fight and argue and still find love in it.

And since that fateful day we fought, we never looked back. Whenever I felt upset of the things he did, I would tell him there and then. And not bottled up inside all the time and let it grow and make a monster out of me. And if he wants things done his way, he learn to say "I need your advice, what do you think?"

and in turn, I became more mellow, more humble ..

They say that Love is a 2 way street...I believe it so. Because if you give and never get, you stop giving. Benny and I have been married for 23 years. In these 23 years there were always moments of love, moments of sadness, moments of anger. The good stuff we keep..the bad stuff we also keep but we never let it go. And that builds up over the years. We just think its okay to just cover it up like a carpet over dust.

But God told us to let it go, let it out. And He made us do that when we worked together.

So now, our business is booming. People ask us the secret of our success..how in 3 years we make good money and started a studio. The answer is LOVE...

So if the business fail, it meant that our love for each other has died. So until then, the business continues to grow and prosper as the love we have for each other grew stronger each day.

And then now, I wish you love...all of you. In your life with your better half. Its when you give and take, the things and people around you prosper. As God has intented it to be.

Peace be with you...

Wait for me...

Because He Lives (Christian Hymn)

How long do one grieve over the loss of some one dear to them? A week, a month or many years? I really don't know. My best friend, my mentor, my teacher has passed away recently. She is none other than Sister Seok Buay, the one and only person I started Kitchen Capers for. I think you must read for so long that I often talked about Seok Buay and about Kitchen Capers.

But let me write about this again. For one last time.

I created Kitchen Capers a few years after Boon's untimely death. Leaving Seok Buay and Kim San behind, weeping for him. Seok Buay seems to take forever to heal. She was often resentful of things around her and highly defensive when someone spoke of Boon.

One thing I never told anyone was why I started baking. I started to bake soon after Boon's passing. Because Seok Buay loves to bake. Buay took time away from her home, to stay away from Boon's room and his things. And she would take up a baking course in France at the famous Le Cordon Bleu. And she would come back after a few weeks and tell me of her adventures there. Seeing her so joyful, it makes me happy for her.

Then it became my personal goal in life to help her to cope with Boon's passing. I refitted my home with a baking cabinet. I would seek for Buay's advice on how to bake. In time, I pick up website design and met Prashant Patel with whom I learnt website design from. Then I started Kitchen Capers forum as a hobby site to share recipes on cooking and baking. Mainly because I was also learning..and I wanted Buay to find new hope, new purpose in life. As she was totally illiterate in computers, emails or the Internet.

I would go to her house, and suggested that she cook something she likes and to share the recipe online at the forum. In these early days in the year 2004, I started cooking, baking and documenting every recipe she had in her mind. And as she cooks, she talks and laughs at the same time. The food she serves are of course delicious..and knowing her, the love and joy in every dish she prepares can be savoured and enjoyed to the last bite.

With the popularity of social networking aka Facebook, a fellow church member wrote to me to say that Seok Buay has passed away on the 28th September 2011. I was totally in shock, because I knew she was fit as a fiddle. She was happy with life and with Kim San. Despite not having Boon around, she found joy and happiness in the things she does everyday. She found comfort reading the scriptures and peace from God whenever she prays.

And everytime when I know that she is going away to a country to serve the community, I would bake all the things she loved to eat. And that would be the signature Chocolate Walnut cookie I created for her. And she said once to me :

"Gina, wherever I am, I know you think of me. Eating this, knowing you, that's a blessing God gave to me and only to me alone"

I never share this recipe online or anywhere. It was a cookie I created just for Buay. A cookie to remind me of how much I loved her and respected her all the years she taught me to bake, to cook. She taught me to be bold, to be daring. To try out new things and not be afraid to accept failures. She would tell me about Boon and how she would teach him the same values too.

In so many ways, I know myself. I know I would not have dare to venture beyond. Not with Kitchen Capers. I mean, I started my career in computers. I taught computer programming, desktop publishing..not cooking or baking. Buay gave me so much hope which I thought I was giving to her instead.

I attended her wake on Friday, 30 September 2011..I walked and met Kim San, and I just couldn't control myself. I cried in his arms, holding Kim San tightly. And Kim San wept with me. For a moment, I could have swear the world stood still..with Kim San and I locked in each other's arms, in tears and crying out to each other.

The last time this happened, it was at Boon's funeral wake. And I was there, in the same position but it was with Buay in my arms, letting her cry her heart out to me. I had to take a day's leave from the office. I told my boss why..and he just sign my leave form and ask me to go.

Kim San told me that he blamed himself for Buay's sudden death. She was swimming in a private pool in a swimming club. Somehow, something happened..she drowned and no one came to her aid. Until minutes later, they tried to resuscitated her. By the time the ambulance came, she was pronounced dead.

Her body lied in the hospital for a day to find out the cause of death. And he said to me :

"Buay never goes swimming without me. We go together. Every day, we do things together. Going for breakfast, going for morning walks or even just to shop at the nearby market. We would be there for each other.." and then he went silent..and I could see tears forming in his eyes. I put my arms around him and try to comfort my friend.

And then he said :

"She would tell me how much she loved me. And she would openly hug me and kissed me in front of everyone." and then he smiled and continue to say

"But that is not allowed in our society. People think we are crazy"

and then I said :

"No, you are not crazy. To love and be loved is the greatest gift and to show it openly, that's pride. And that's what God intended us to do. To love and be loved...in each and every way we can."

When I left the wake, I thought to myself..okay, life goes on. Back to the office, there's work to be done. Get a hold of yourself..

But when the day ends, and all is quiet, I couldn't help but think of Buay again. When I went online at Facebook, there was a little app I had that says "What God wants you to know" and l click it to see what was the verse for the day. When I read it, I cried again.

And I shared my notes with what was given to me :

"On this day, God wants you to know
... that sometimes it may feel too hard to do it alone. Sometimes it may seem like you can't figure it out by yourself. Sometimes will and strength and courage are not enough. Sometimes in your life you will need to call out for help. Call on God. God will be there."

My response to that was :

Dear God, I have a friend who is going up there to meet you. Please see her at the gates and hold her hand and show her around your place. And when its time for me to see her, ask her to come and meet me at the gates. Tell her how much I am so gonna missed her here. And her name is Seok Buay.

So to all who know me..and knows me for Kitchen Capers..
Live and love life to the fullest each day. Tell the people you loved how much you loved him/her or them. Even if its a pet. Live like there is no tomorrow. For tomorrow may never come. At least you get to say your goodbyes, your expressions and your admiration for that person.

I know I have grieved for many, but Seok Buay will always be that special someone I hold dear to my heart, someone I loved till the end of time. And when I go up there, I know she will be at the gates. Waiting for me. Waiting to show me all the new things up there. Like she always have whenever she sees something new.

Till then, Sister Seok Buay, wait for me. Wait for me.


AMEN!

I Love You Because

I Love You Because, sung by the late Jim Reeves

I was really busy with my new baking studio, and I didn't have time to blog. But today decided to write something to update you on my life with Benny.

I was swamped with work having to manage the retail business and the new studio. I was feeling unappreciated, depressed and totally drained. All I could do everyday was to sulk or frown. There seems to be a back log of everything I had to do every day in the office.

It pains Benny to see me in this state of mind and soul. Without a doubt he knew what he had to do. He quit his full time job last Thursday, cleared his leave with the company and left. And immediately started work with me in the shop. He would fetch me to work, help me with the simple things. Help me to pack and unpack stuff. Did the labellings, handled the store when new stock came.

Sure I see him everyday when he used to work for others. But now I see more of him every day, every minute. It brings us closer. We talk a whole lot more. And we are reminded of the early days of our courtship together. How much we would tell each other the things that happen each day.

And even though going to work was a door away...he was always in the shop and I am now stuck in the baking studio, he would sms me and 'whispers' sweet nothings. Or sometimes just pop over to the studio to just ask me how I was coping.

I guess I can say I am the happiest and most blessed WOMAN in the world. Having the best job ever and having my 'lover' next to me all the time.

We go to work together. We eat our meals together. And now, he wants to spend every waking moment with me. He would even watch all those soapy drama serials on Channel 8 with me.

And yesterday he told me :

"When the business settles down, I'll take you on a holiday..to anywhere you wanna go. Its been such a long time we went on a holiday together, just the 2 of us."

I was over the moon when I heard that. It will be another year before the shop and the studio settles down. But even so, having him by my side all the time is like having a holiday.

So today I wrote in FB under my profile status :

"Going to work everyday is now like having a date with my one true love everyday. A week has just past, seems like a whole lifetime has just slipped away. So how much more you should never take Love for granted. Live and love as much as you can. Doing the things you want to do, drinking from the same cup of juice or eating from the same plate of char kway teow."

How many men would quit their jobs to work with their wives? I knew only one..Benny. But I knew of many women would quit their jobs for their husbands.

When God gave me a husband, He meant that he would last me a lifetime. And he did. I once heard an old love song which I forgotten who sang it or what was the title of it. But i remembered many of its lyrics which goes like this:

You are my one true love
Say that you never go
You'll always be the one
True love within my heart

You're like an evening star
Shinning from high above
Lighting my life for me
You are my one true love

Okay if I sound super hopelessly in love as if I was a teenager. But how can I not be? Benny makes me feel like this everyday now. Every morning, a smile on his face, hugs me or pats my back. And ask if I had a good rest last night..

Side track a bit...here are the final photos of my baking studio which went LIVE this week.

My Journey of a 1000 miles

God will make a Way, sung by Don Moen

I am driven to tears as I am starting to write this. Of the journeys I have made in life, I find this particular one, the most endearing one I had to go through. Because I felt His presence all the time when I was making decisions and planning for this to happen.

As you have read(if you have been following my blog), that I was uncontestly pick to host all my culinary classes at Robinsons Departmental store last October 2010. That chapter in my life was meant to be..meant to happen and must happen. It was short..like 6 months to be exact.

Read this for reference :
http://tasteoftime.blogspot.com/2010/09/new-chapter.html
http://tasteoftime.blogspot.com/2011/01/been-there-done-that.html

As a Christian, we believed that everything that happens to us, happens for a reason. Some reasons are easier to figure out on your own. Others seem too complicated to think about. But at the end of each day, you learn to walk on it, move on and start a new day with more confidence.

I want to write about this 2nd journey of mine. After my episode at Robinsons, I felt as if a burden was lifted from my shoulders. A part of me wanted to quit, another part of me wanted to carry on. I was totally confused. And I brought this all to God. Asking for His favour and asking that He teach me what to do. And how to react. And most important of all, to move on from there.

It must have been God's plans that I was to go through this with everyone who had dealings in this project. Everyone..including my best friends, the suppliers, and of course with my girls, and with Benny.

The lease for my retail shop was to end in September 2011. By April 2011, I finished my last class at Robinsons, and closed that chapter in my life. And back at square one, I returned home and taught again. I prayed to God,


'Teach me, bend me, shape me..but whatever it is, I thank you Lord. For showing me the way. For letting me know there is always hope when there is You(*God)."

And every project I do for myself or for others, I do it with alot of passion. I gave my all that is within me. So when I leave, a part of me dies. Sadness devoured me. I took time to re-charge. I took time to think of what I could have better or worse. Constantly battling little demons here and there.

But our Heavenly Father does not like to see us in pain, in agony. It is always in my desire to have my own baking studio, a place I call my own. I teach what I like, when I like. I will put stuff in there like I would with my house. An extension from my home.

The shop next to my retail shop was tenanted by someone who sells baby apparel. I vaguely remembered that they open for business sometime last year around Christmas and for over 3 months, things seemed cheerful for them.

After the festivities(Christmas, and Chinese New Year), business was really bad for them. Many came to browse around, but people leave soon after. After some months of struggling, they closed the shop. For months the shop's doors remained closed. They tried to sublet the shop out to others just to cover the rent. But no one took the offer.

I was on the other hand, eying on this shop. It was ideal to host this as a baking studio. Why? its literally next door to my shop. So when I teach, people can go back to the shop to buy stuff to go home and practice what they learnt.

So together with Benny, we put this matter with God. We told Him what we wanted and how we wanted. And we left it up to God to help us. If it was meant to be, all obstacles will be erased.

When the landlord came to ask if we wanted to renew our lease for the retail shop, I ask them about the unit next door. They said the previous tenant have already paid up and technically, its free now for anyone to take up the unit. But the property agent also told me this :

"Gina, the previous tenant made a big loss. They closed and never made money from it. So when they left, they didn't remove all the fixtures, furnishings, etc as part of the lease contract was to remove all fixtures when you leave. Are you sure you want this?"

And I said, "Let's see what they left behind"

He open up the place and when I step into it, the first thing that came to me was "AMEN! Thank You Lord!"

The flooring was marbled. The walls were painted white. The lights and fixtures are done. The airconditioning was fitted too. And used only for 4 to 5 mths. And all the power points were already fixed. The glass door(slidling) was intact. The light box outside the shop for the signboard was also done.

This alone can save me a good S$15,000 just to fix up.

Verbally, I told the agent..YES. In the meantime I told Benny about it. I didn't wait for him to give me the green light to go ahead.

Next came the finances to fix up kitchen cabinets and appliances(cake mixers, ovens, etc). My sister, Winnie came to the rescue and invested an undisclosed sum to help us kick start the studio's renovations.

And it was just timely that she found a job like 6 mths ago..if not, she wouldn't have the funds to help us with this.

Together we went to God again. Just Benny and myself. This time we said in unison:

"God, thank you for this. We know its from you. Why? and How? Because only You can move mountains, clear the seas to form small rivers and roads. It is only You can make miracles. Things that seem impossible are made possible. We give our Thanks to you. This baking studio will not just teach culinary courses. But it will be a place for us to glorify You. A place where you first showed us that People Learn from one another, just as Iron sharpens iron, Proverbs 27 verse 17. AMEN!

One of the most important thing I wanted to do with this studio was to open the doors to the less privileged folks, the poorly educated people out there. To offer them reduced rates to learn a new skill. And in time hired someone to help me to run it. And that someone has to be one of these people who needed help. So that they can be self sufficient. In small ways, one step at a time.

Because this is what Kitchen Capers is all about. That was how it was started...

Extracted from my KC Website:

http://www.kitchencapers.net/html/aboutus.htm
About Us

How Kitchen Capers was formed

The Kitchen Capers online forum was initially created in July 2004 and dedicated to the late Tan Boon Teik, a young gentleman I never knew or loved. He was Kim San and Seok Buay's only child. He passed away suddenly Kim San and Seok Buay are friends I knew from the church I was attending here in Singapore. As it is with all good friends we should help each other when we can. This is my way of helping Kim San and Seok Buay.

The dream of writing and publishing a cookbook was Boon's idea which he shared with his mom. After his death, Seok Buay could never find the strength nor the courage to carry out his dream. Thus, this website was created. And Buay's vision for the future was to teach cooking and Basic English to poor women around the world. So that they do not have to live a life of poverty and living out their days begging in the streets.

Sister Seok Buay was trained to be an English teacher and she is also a gourmet cook. She taught me many secrets in cooking and baking. Things I would have never known even if I had read a lot of cookbooks.

With that in mind, I started the website and a forum message board to share recipes on cooking and baking. Buay taught me the spirit of giving, of charity. She never holds back anything she knew about cooking or baking. Sister Seok Buay taught me many skills, of which I find the most endearing one was Charity. To share openly and without prejuidice and never to hold back anything you learn from others or by yourself. It is only that when you share, you gain. In friendship and in kind. I am deeply encourage and inspired by Sister Seok Buay.

In the year 2008, I started KC online and started selling bake ware products and cake decorations tools via the website. A year later, I opened my first retail store in Singapore at Kallang Bahru.

And I hope that you share this vision with us too. Enjoy your time here with us at Kitchen Capers.

Gina Choong
Owner and Board Admin for Kitchen Capers

*****
I will share more photos later on when the agent give me the keys.

This post serves to remind myself that God is always HERE for me, for us, for you. That everything in life we go through, God plays an important part. I have always prayed for good times and give thanks for bad times. And in all, He never fails to lift up my spirits, to give me more reasons that despite all the unhappiness, all the sadness in the world, there is HOPE, there is Light at the end of tunnel...and there is LOVE from GOD!

May you be blessed..as you go thru life's tribulations and trials. At every step you take, God takes 2 for you. Why 2? 1 for you, the other He takes in advance. Leading the way ahead. Paving your way.

AMEN!

My Greatest Fear

That's What Friends Are For, sang/performed by Dionne Warwick, Stevie Wonder, Gladys Knight, Sir Elton John


While chatting with H on happy things, I ask her an interesting topic:

"H, what is your greatest FEAR?"

She said :

"flying cockroaches..!"

And I said to her :

"I fear the sea...the ocean."

H said "I loved the sea..but why you fear it?"

When I was very young, maybe 5 to 6 years. My uncle Bill used to take us out to Changi beach for picnic and swimming. I couldn't swim at all. So he got me a float so that I could go out to sea with my cousin John. But John could swim. And he swam really well. The sea that day was choppy, high winds and all. I was just next to John, then he said "let's swim over there to my dad.." then he turn around, kick his legs and accidentally kick off the float I was clinging on for dear life.

The float drifted away and I was struggling to keep afloat. Then I sunk..I opened my eyes and saw greenish water all around me. I saw bubbles above my eyes as I was trying to scream. And my screams were not heard underwater..I struggled and raised my hands and tried to make sure it was above water so someone would see me.

It must have been minutes but it seem like hours and no one came. My tears were mixed with the sea water around me, and I cried, but no one can hear me. I felt pain in my chest, and the bubbles started to diminish right before my eyes. I knew I was drowning...so in one last breath, I closed my eyes and told God I am coming. Please wait for me.





Then I felt someone grabbing my arms, and carrying me. I couldn't my eyes because the salt sea water have blurr my vision. For a moment I thought I have passed on and was in God's arms. Then I heard my uncle calling me, pressing my chest to revive me and to throw up the water.

When I finally opened my eyes, I could then see, it was my uncle who came to save me. And I knew God's plan for me was to stay here. My time isn't up yet. Since then, I learnt to swim. When I was in Secondary school, I entered the swimming team and won many prizes in swimming carnivals.

But the fear of drowning never leaves me. I took up Survival courses in swimming. I pass the Bronze level and went for the Silver. But when I was told that we needed to spend half a day out at sea to test our endurance in choppy waters, I chickened out. Then I realised that despite knowing how to float now and even how to swim, I could not bring myself to go out to sea again. I could never swim in the open ocean. The fear never leaves me. Even though our swimming coach was around and he had other assistants who are life guards to be on standby. I just couldn't bring myself to go out to sea again.

Some years later, when I working for Jardine Fleming, my boss send me on my first maiden trip to Jakarta. Just a 3 day work week to hold meetings and discussions with the Publications team at our Jakarta office. I was bound to take SilkAir flight out of Singapore to Jakarta. The plane was due to arrive JKT at 8am, then I had planned to be jostled downtown from airport to the hotel and check in and leave for the office for meeting by noon.

When I boarded the plane, everything seemed fine. All systems go, so to speak. Then the plane couldn't lift off..some technical problems. All of us could hear the engine moving but also it make funny noises too. We were stuck in the plane, on ground for over an hour. Then the Captain allowed us to make calls to our families, friends or biz here in Singapore to say that we will be late to arrive in Jakarta. And ask them*our Singaporean family to relay the message to our counterparts in Indonesia.

The captain assured us that we will not be leaving the plane to board another saving us the hassles of moving and transferring. But the ground crew need to check a couple of 'things' before lift off.

Finally at almost 11am, the plane took off and we landed in Jakarta by noon. By that time all my plans delayed. The going home part was smooth however.

When I went back to the office, my boss Su Chzeng said to me :

"Gina, you are on SIA planes, aren't they the safest, fastest around?"

2 months later...this same SilkAir plane plunged into the Palembang River, Indonesia, killing everyone on board. Su Chzeng was in shock..she told me "I take my words..!"

A brush with death..but God kept me safe..

Some years later, our family went for a short 4 day trip to Phuket. Benny couldn't join us as he couldn't take leave. So I went with my girls, my parents, my sis, her hubby and my niece. We did all the sea sports. I had to face up to my own fears. In one occasion, we went scuba diving. The guide was good and gather us around. We swam in small groups. Melody was barely 4 back then. A dip in the sea is just too much for her. The wind was extremely strong that day. The sea current wasn't too forgiving. She wanted out..and sat on the boat and watch us.

The guide told us to gather together as the currents are getting too strong. I heard him, and as I was about to swim my way to him, the current proved too strong for me..I drifted away...with the scuba gear on my back, and my fear got the best of me..I struggled vigorously and shouted for help. But the wind carried my voices out to sea..and I was starting to drift further away from the group. Although I was still afloat, I could only think I was dying again.

Thank God, my brother in law, Francis was nearby. And he waved to the boat driver. And he drove the boat around to pick me up.

Another brush with death and its with the sea again. That incident left me somewhat shaken. I shuddered to think what the future is for me with the sea. But still I was thankful that God saved me again.

A month later, Tsunami hits Phuket, wiping out the village and the tourist spots. And Tsunami hits that very same spot I was in back then.

When I told H, I realised for so many times I have that close brush with death. Almost dying but life given back to me. My greatest fear to date is still swimming in the open ocean. But never about anything else. I live my life loving everyone, everything. All the time.

Why?

Because I REALLY do not know what the future holds for me. What will happened next. How many times have you had that close brush with death. ?

Like in the movies "Final Destination"...I cheated death so many times over. How much longer can I do this.?

So live your life to the fullest. Like there is no tomorrow. Mend old hurts today, not tomorrow. Rekindled old friendships now. Say you love your mom or dad or mother in law or child today, every day. Show you care. Because your next breath of life may be your last.

Purple Glasses

I Won't Let Go sung by the group Rascal Flatts

It was something I use to say or recite when I have to say something that has a different viewpoint with others. It was a poem of sorts I read somewhere, but never knew who wrote it. No amount of googling, I still can't find the originator of this poem.

The Way I See It, may not be the way you see
But no matter how, let's share it
Your glasses are pink
and Mine are Blue
but someday we'll all have a pair of purple glasses too.

Recently a friend shared online at FB of a news article about women who are still grieving over the loss of their newborns or stillbirth. How the women found solitude by buying a life-liked doll that looks like a baby, complete .. Read the full story here

http://www.themoneytimes.com/featured/20110530/lifelike-babies-offering-hope-grieving-mothers-id-101701710294.html

When I read the article, I thought it was really creepy. Having gone thru 3 miscarriages and although I never had a baby in my arms and he/she died, I still find this very creepy to read.

Personally, I still feel that the best way to grieve over a loss of a loved one is to cry over it. To learn to come into terms with the loss and to move on. And to move on would mean you find new hope in other forms. Like a new hobby, maybe new friends or a new job sometimes.

But having a life like doll is not the answer to this. Maybe it heals for a period of time, but it doesn't really solve the problem. I know its quite controversy to talk about this. Different people healed differently.

Pain and suffering is part and parcel of life on earth. Everyone has to go thru it at some point of time in their life. Either with a loved one, a loyal pet, a best friend or having to walk out even from an abusive family. We have to leave behind, always something we loved. If it doesn't hurt, it means nothing to you. If it hurts, you know you have loved and given so much and expected nothing back.

Although I sympatised with the many women who are grieving over lost loved ones, I would find it disturbing and studded my healing process to get a doll of some sort to help me heal.

When my Beauty died in my arms, I cried for many hours. At night before bedtime, I cried for her. I raised her in her puppy days. I taught her all the doggy tricks. Although many would tell me : "Gina, she is just a dog. Not like she was your own baby"

Yes, she was just a dog, my pet dog. But she was there when Jonathan died inside me. When I was pregnant and into my 1st trimseter with Jonathan. My baby with whom I never get to hold or to see or to smell his baby hair. Beauty was with me and she saw my pain. And she stayed by my bed for days.

Sometimes I would stare into space and my mind starts to wander off. And Beauty would sense it all. And she would come to me, wagging her tail and her ears drawn back and expecting a hug and cuddle. As if she knew. I like to think that she did.

So she was just a dog. She was like my guardian angel. While I was grieving, my 'girl' comforted me. Not that Benny couldn't comfort me..but he was also grieving.

The pain and suffering eluded me for months. I was so miserable that I gave up trying to have another baby after Jonathan. My prayers were answered...later. Melody came to me a year after I lost Jonathan. In the process of healing, God showed me that I needed to heal properly, not just internally, but also spirtually and emotionally. So that I can be a better testimony to myself and to others.

I know also, that not everyone has the same blessings as me. Not everyone had a successful pregnancy or birth of their kid soon after loosing one.

I remembered years ago, when Natasha was still a baby, a friend of mine lost her husband to Dengue Fever. Her world of perfection fell apart almost immediately. After the death of her husband, she found it too painful to stay in the home they build together. She was in tears all the time whenever she was home alone.

So she moved back to her mom's place and stayed for a while. When she was still grieving and mending the pieces, she found that she was pregnant. And maybe because she was busy with the funeral and arrangements at home, she neglected her health. Through this unhappy times, she lost her baby too.

She hated herself and wanted to end it all. And she felt it was her fault that she lost the only thing that kept the memories of her hubby alive in her. No amount of crying or consoling her helped. She went into depression for a few months. And finally, she told me :

"Gina, I am selling the house. And everything in it. But I have with me, my memories. Of all the days I have know him and loved him. Even with the baby I have lost. I'm packing up, moving on. Leaving Singapore and going to USA. My boss was kind enough to offer me a job posting in USA's office. I don't know what the future holds for me there. But if its something new, I look forward to it. And can at least closed this chapter in my life here in Singapore. I thanked God for friends who stood by me in my time of need. I don't want to keep in contact. If I think I am ready, I will write to you again."

Sadly, to date, I have not heard from her. I wished her well. Hope that she has recovered. I have shifted from my first home when she used to have my address.

My post is not about how you should grieve or how you should move on. But a post to say that we learn the same things, but we may or may not agree or do the same things. The knowledge is the same, the practice of this knowledge is different. But whatever you do, you do it in the best of your knowledge and what your inner self cheers you on. It is all within you that you are what you are..the DNA and the chemistry of it all.

The most important thing at the end of the day is you are happier..with the choices you made in life. Though some works, and some just don't. But you are better each time when one didn't work. Because you learn from it. What needs to be fixed and what just are not meant to be fixed. And each time you learn how to cope, and to move on.

I still cry over a sad movie. And if I see something that reminds me of my past hurts, I still weep a tear or two. But that is just human nature. Not because I have not moved on or coped. We should still hold on to the memories of the past, of things that made us happy.

Because it is such memories that pushes us on...for a better tomorrow and a brighter yesterday.

Over the Rainbow

Over The Rainbow, sung by Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole

I seemed to have disappeared from blogging for a while. Too much heartbreaks and work and with a new maid, I was wearing so many hats in a week that I thought I could pull it through.

When my niece Tricia was still in her late teens, her boyfriend, Michael brought her a puppy. It was a long coated Chihuahua.



Tricia stayed with my parents, her parents in the same house. In our family, every new pet that comes into the house is treated as one of the family. We invite them with open arms, tender love and we have parties at home to gather our extended family, our best friends to welcome them(the pets).

Tricia named him Bambi. Because he was adorably cute. Aren't all babies cute?



He grew up in that household, loved and adored..then Tricia went to Australia for 2 years for her studies. Michael would come over and took care of Bambi..to shower him with love and kisses because Bambi missed Tricia terribly. He use to sleep in her room, on her bed, next to her face.

Whenever I visit my parents, I would go and look out for Bambi. And I would call his name " Bambi, Bambi". He would dash out from where he is at...and jump up and down with delight asking for a cuddle. Which I would do all the time. I would hold him, cuddle him for 10 to 15 mins. Sometimes I would talk to him as if I was talking to a child. Because I have never treated him as an animal..but more of an extended family member.


And without fail, all the years that have passed, whenever I visited my parents, I would always do the same thing..after greeting my parents, I would go and seek him out first..then followed by all the other pets in the house. Because Bambi knows his packing order..He was the first pet..followed by the cat..then came Winter, the Bull Mastiff dog which Tricia rescued from the Puppy mill. Winter was used for breeding only. She never saw the lights of things outside her cage. Only saw the handler who took care of her when she was pregnant or when her puppies were born.

Tricia loved animals..all creatures big and small. From the tiniest of insect to the creepy crawlies to the scaly snake and down the furry animals. Even the cat was an abandoned feline..she would bring him home and loved him.


This is Winter, the Bull Mastiff. Also loved and adored in our homes.



This is Summer, the cat that was abandoned and also rehomed with Tricia. Its me carrying Summer.

In the last couple of 2 years on..Bambi became ill. First he went blind. Tricia was working late almost every night and my sister took it upon herself to care for Bambi in his last days. Michael would come and visit and help to tend to Bambi every weekend.

Poor little Bambi, gone blind but tearing each time..so they had to put the cone on him all the time. Even so, being blind, I would still visit him and would still call his name. And he would listen to my voice and navigate his way around and find me. But he could no longer jumped like before but his tail never stop wagging and I know in my heart I just need to hug him, to cuddle him and to show him I am here. And I still loved him all the time.


When his eyes went blind, the vet told my sister that his days are numbered. Through a scan, they found a tumour in his tiny brain. The doctor gave him only 6 months or less..but he survived for a year..completely blind.

Then he became extremely ill, frail and either vomit every other day or had diarrhea. My girls never grew up to like him. Because Bambi is terrorised everyone at home. He doesn't like children or adults. He doesn't like my mom or my dad. He definitely didn't like my brother in law who is Tricia's dad. In his last days being ill, he didn't like Tricia anymore. If she would to come close to him, he will snarl and snap at her.

You may think that Bambi is ungrateful for the love Tricia had for him or doesn't know what is right or wrong. Who feeds you, who loves you, who doesn't?

But if you put yourself in Bambi's eyes and life, you would understand how he felt. When he was well and happy go lucky dog, no one respected him or gave him a pat on his head or cuddled him. Tricia worked day and night..sometimes she would just come home to change, sleep. My mom used to joke to us that although they all lived in the same house, she doesn't know if Tricia is home or not..! much less Bambi.

Then last month, sometime in May 22, my sister sms me to say that Bambi is in the animal hospital at Sunset Way. That's like the other end of Singapore! She said he may not survive the night and she hopes that he dies peacefully in his sleep than for them to give him the jab to end his suffering. He was found to have kidney failure and the kidneys are failing..one dead, the other was also failing. He was unable to eat or drink and was put on a drip for days.

I had to go and see him. Just to say goodbye and to tell him things again. And so I did...I ask the nursing staff at the hospital to take a photo of me holding him...


When I look at this photo, it tears me badly..he was struggling with all that is left in him to sit up..and putting his head resting on my chest.


When I entered the cage, I call his name again : Bambi, Bambi.
And though he was sleeping, he heard me calling him..And he tried so hard to lift up his head and I slided my palm under his chin..





I whispered to his ears and said to him :

Bambi, Wait for everyone to come and see you, then go..Go in peace. And know that I always have a special spot in my heart for you.!

Then I put him back into the cage, I stroked him and planted kisses on him. And I told him I had to go. But my thoughts are always with him.

The next day, he passed away peacefully, in the arms of Michael and Tricia. They wept bitterly for him.

And for a week, I couldn't get things done at home or at work. And started to think..

This is not my dog. He's Tricia's. And he doesn't live with me. And I don't see him often. So why should it tear me just as much as my own pet's dying on me? Then I realised that all these while, all these years, I have given him a part of me. A love from afar.

I shared with a friend of mine..and then she said to me..:

"Gina, even a dog knows you are sincere. You give everyone, human or animal the same kind of respect and the same kind of love. So its only natural that should one leave, the other hurts."

And then I realised that my extended family are like me too..in this context. When my Beauty(shetland sheepdog) was ill and dying, sms was sent out to all. I remembered my cousin ringing me and crying on the phone. I remember my Aunty Aileen sms me and comforting me.

This is FAMILY, this is LOVE.

Treat everyone, every living thing with love, with respect and in return, the world seems a happier place.

Rest in Peace, Bambi..until that day comes, meet me at the gates of Heaven.