Jun 20, 2011

Purple Glasses

I Won't Let Go sung by the group Rascal Flatts

It was something I use to say or recite when I have to say something that has a different viewpoint with others. It was a poem of sorts I read somewhere, but never knew who wrote it. No amount of googling, I still can't find the originator of this poem.

The Way I See It, may not be the way you see
But no matter how, let's share it
Your glasses are pink
and Mine are Blue
but someday we'll all have a pair of purple glasses too.

Recently a friend shared online at FB of a news article about women who are still grieving over the loss of their newborns or stillbirth. How the women found solitude by buying a life-liked doll that looks like a baby, complete .. Read the full story here


When I read the article, I thought it was really creepy. Having gone thru 3 miscarriages and although I never had a baby in my arms and he/she died, I still find this very creepy to read.

Personally, I still feel that the best way to grieve over a loss of a loved one is to cry over it. To learn to come into terms with the loss and to move on. And to move on would mean you find new hope in other forms. Like a new hobby, maybe new friends or a new job sometimes.

But having a life like doll is not the answer to this. Maybe it heals for a period of time, but it doesn't really solve the problem. I know its quite controversy to talk about this. Different people healed differently.

Pain and suffering is part and parcel of life on earth. Everyone has to go thru it at some point of time in their life. Either with a loved one, a loyal pet, a best friend or having to walk out even from an abusive family. We have to leave behind, always something we loved. If it doesn't hurt, it means nothing to you. If it hurts, you know you have loved and given so much and expected nothing back.

Although I sympatised with the many women who are grieving over lost loved ones, I would find it disturbing and studded my healing process to get a doll of some sort to help me heal.

When my Beauty died in my arms, I cried for many hours. At night before bedtime, I cried for her. I raised her in her puppy days. I taught her all the doggy tricks. Although many would tell me : "Gina, she is just a dog. Not like she was your own baby"

Yes, she was just a dog, my pet dog. But she was there when Jonathan died inside me. When I was pregnant and into my 1st trimseter with Jonathan. My baby with whom I never get to hold or to see or to smell his baby hair. Beauty was with me and she saw my pain. And she stayed by my bed for days.

Sometimes I would stare into space and my mind starts to wander off. And Beauty would sense it all. And she would come to me, wagging her tail and her ears drawn back and expecting a hug and cuddle. As if she knew. I like to think that she did.

So she was just a dog. She was like my guardian angel. While I was grieving, my 'girl' comforted me. Not that Benny couldn't comfort me..but he was also grieving.

The pain and suffering eluded me for months. I was so miserable that I gave up trying to have another baby after Jonathan. My prayers were answered...later. Melody came to me a year after I lost Jonathan. In the process of healing, God showed me that I needed to heal properly, not just internally, but also spirtually and emotionally. So that I can be a better testimony to myself and to others.

I know also, that not everyone has the same blessings as me. Not everyone had a successful pregnancy or birth of their kid soon after loosing one.

I remembered years ago, when Natasha was still a baby, a friend of mine lost her husband to Dengue Fever. Her world of perfection fell apart almost immediately. After the death of her husband, she found it too painful to stay in the home they build together. She was in tears all the time whenever she was home alone.

So she moved back to her mom's place and stayed for a while. When she was still grieving and mending the pieces, she found that she was pregnant. And maybe because she was busy with the funeral and arrangements at home, she neglected her health. Through this unhappy times, she lost her baby too.

She hated herself and wanted to end it all. And she felt it was her fault that she lost the only thing that kept the memories of her hubby alive in her. No amount of crying or consoling her helped. She went into depression for a few months. And finally, she told me :

"Gina, I am selling the house. And everything in it. But I have with me, my memories. Of all the days I have know him and loved him. Even with the baby I have lost. I'm packing up, moving on. Leaving Singapore and going to USA. My boss was kind enough to offer me a job posting in USA's office. I don't know what the future holds for me there. But if its something new, I look forward to it. And can at least closed this chapter in my life here in Singapore. I thanked God for friends who stood by me in my time of need. I don't want to keep in contact. If I think I am ready, I will write to you again."

Sadly, to date, I have not heard from her. I wished her well. Hope that she has recovered. I have shifted from my first home when she used to have my address.

My post is not about how you should grieve or how you should move on. But a post to say that we learn the same things, but we may or may not agree or do the same things. The knowledge is the same, the practice of this knowledge is different. But whatever you do, you do it in the best of your knowledge and what your inner self cheers you on. It is all within you that you are what you are..the DNA and the chemistry of it all.

The most important thing at the end of the day is you are happier..with the choices you made in life. Though some works, and some just don't. But you are better each time when one didn't work. Because you learn from it. What needs to be fixed and what just are not meant to be fixed. And each time you learn how to cope, and to move on.

I still cry over a sad movie. And if I see something that reminds me of my past hurts, I still weep a tear or two. But that is just human nature. Not because I have not moved on or coped. We should still hold on to the memories of the past, of things that made us happy.

Because it is such memories that pushes us on...for a better tomorrow and a brighter yesterday.

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