Reflections of my life, alongside with the people I knew and the places I have been. The things I have done and still trying to do. Of stories I have heard, or known. From friends and family.
My cousin, John now lives in Vancouver, Canada with his wife Katherine and their 2 boys. He was someone very close to me, very close to my heart. Someone I loved since young. In every photo of past, there is always a boy next to me. And that will be John. Or Hwee Hwee as I affectionately call him. And he would call me by my Chinese name and that was Ting Ting. And everyone in our big extended family would sometimes tease us and call us a couple. When I move, he moves, when I sit, he sits. When I eat my dinner, he ate his. For years we grew up side by side. His parents doted on me as if I were their own child. We would play together and learn together.
But Hwee was very smart, intelligent and also untidy. I was on the other hand, spoilt silly at home. And also untidy. But the funny thing was that when I am with him, I am extremely different. I was always nit picking on things and I tidy up his room for him. Packed his bags and tidy up his books and neatly arranged everything in order.
Today, he wrote a note in FaceBook to reflect on the past year 2010. On the things he did, both personal and work wise. About himself as a husband to his wife, as a father to his 2 boys and as a son to his parents. He noted that he could have been better as a husband, father and son. And wished he could have done more now.
I replied to his note and said this to him :
"AMEN! I have lived my early childhood filled with happiness and joy because you were a part of my life. I have always wished to have a younger brother but God gave me you instead.
And though we are separated now by the miles between us, I have always looked out for you in more ways that you will know.
And in all my prayers for our family abroad, you have always been on my top 10 list of things to thank God for.
Your parents have blessed me tremenously over the years with their undivided attention and love for me. They never treat me as their niece but more like their very own.
We strived better each day, look back in wonder and continue to be better parents as the days takes us.
No one is born a parent, perfect. But God teaches us each day how we should be, how we can be.
A day at a time..."
The little toddler is me..and the baby sleeping/lying down is my cousin John. I was a year older than him. We were staying in the same household with my late maternal grandparents. Thus we became inseparable play mates for years. Even after our parents moved out, I would stayed with him over the weekends and return home every Sunday.
I wrote this post is to reflect too..of how we always wonder how best we can live our lives better or how we can be a better sibling, or child to our parents or a better spouse to our spouses or a better parent to our children. But over the years, I learn to not to look back and expect myself to be better next year. But instead I look back and count my blessings.
Of all the days that God has blessed me, my family here and abroad. Of keeping them safe and healthy. Despite all the tribulations and trials in life we go through, God never fails to heal us, to wipe each tear from our eyes, to touch our hearts and renew it. He never fails to remind us, how precious we are in His eyes, more precious then the sparrows or the flowers that grew along the side crack of the winding road.
And how blessed our lives have became...one day at a time.
May you start the new year with more blessings.So much more that you seemed to take forever to count. In ways unknown and unseen and the great beyond.
Blue Christmas sung by Bon Jovi. I particularly like this version than the solemn one that the late Jim Reeves used to sing
What did you do this Christmas eve 2010? I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas with your family, your closest friends and your loved ones. My Christmas was spent like a yearly ritual of food and presents with my relatives. But it paused me to think about the first Christmas I had with Benny.
That was way back in 1986. I was then staying with my mom and the usuals was a home party with food cooked by several aunts and uncles and nieces or cousins. And the merry making of wine and drinks, desserts and cakes. Not forgetting, the presents under the tree.
But it was a quiet one for me. As Benny had to work on Christmas eve. Being in the retail line, he stayed till store closing and by the time they counted the money, close the shop and clean up a fair bit, he came to have Christmas with me...alone.
I remembered my uncle Wong asking me "Where is Benny? Isn't he coming?"
and I said with a bit of solemness in my voice
"He has to work. But he will come later..."
And Uncle Wong said "Then you better keep all the choice cuts of the Roast Beef, the juicy tender chunks of the Roast turkey for him. I think he would like that"
Uncle Wong is my mom's brother in law. And someone I adored and look up to for many years. I was his little flower girl when he walked down the aisle with my auntie some donkey years ago. For years, Uncle Wong doted on me and treated me like his very own. He saw me grew up, and I doted on his 3 children and treated them like my very own siblings. We were a very close knitted family of relatives.
And so it was...all my Christmas spent was spent with my extended families. For years, Benny was never around with me on Christmas Eve. In the recent years, as he rises through the ranks, he was able to go off from work and was able to spend Christmas Eve with the family.
But this year, he was tired and sick. So he stayed at home...and waited for me to return home with packed leftovers of the family feasting.
When we opened shop last year, I wanted our shop to close early on Christmas Eve. And without fail, we continue to do so this year. We had customers ringing us and showing displeasure over the phone and some even berated me for closing early.
On a happier note, this is what I did for Christmas with my family this year
American Carrot Cupcakes with Orange laced Cream Cheese Frosting Black Pepper Chicken Pies
And had made extras to give to my neighbhours too...
Here's wishing you a Merry Happy and Joyous Christmas with EVERYONE at home and those aboard and A Very Blessed New Year too!
After my pineapple tarts class yesterday at Robinsons, I woke up this morning..tired and completely drained. Then Benny told me he didn't have to work today. And ask what I would be cooking for lunch or dinner today. I told him I have to go to the shop to work. And I lamented how exhausted I was having to stand from noon to 8pm yesterday. Although the class starts from 2pm and ended at 6pm, I was there at 1pm to prep the place and had to clean up before I leave.
Seeing my tired and almost 'passion-drained' soul, he said this to me:
"I would take your place in the shop today. You stayed at home to rest. And let's go to the market to buy groceries to cook for lunch and dinner tonight"
So I got off to change and left the house without bringing my purse with me. In the car, he continue to say:
"Its been such a long time we go shopping together or even just to buy food together. "
and I said :
"Yes, we are so busy working. You are always rushing in and out for work. I was busy at the store, or teaching."
Then at the wet market, he survey the vegetable section, while I follow close behind. Like a little puppy, following her owner, I felt like that at that moment. Then as always, he would say "How about cooking this with that? I want to eat this and that." And for me, it was always "yes..whatever you like, dear. I'll cook, we eat"
Then he goes to pick and pay for the items..and gave me money to go to the hawker centre to buy breakfast. Then while I was waiting for the food and paying up, he would catch up with me there. And carry all my little bags of bee hoon or nasi lemak.
Then in our short car ride home, he would tell me how much he appreciated me for the little things I do for him, the sacrifices I had to make for him.
It was a simple gesture, just a 15 or 20 minutes ride to the market and a little shopping here and there. But in this short half an hour or so, he once again renewed this love we have for each other.
Remember what I wrote about our Wedding anniversary and about celebrating it? Well, this is what we do daily..so its like having our wedding anniversary every day, EVERY Moment, and Every BREATH we take together.
The simpliest thing here is the Simply Love and Devotion we have for each other...
So for lunch today, he says in a just.."just eat our breakfast meals from the coffee shop..save your energy for dinner. Go and rest..and I will go to the shop later.."
My love tank filled to the brim, my passion charged and my devotion for him, RENEWED.
I am not a big fan of Eric Clapton(song writer and artiste). But a friend once told me he written and sang this song "Tears in Heaven" after he lost his son.
So it seems that this song was often sung or dedicated to folks who lost their little ones. I think its really a very sad song if you put it in that perspective. That is this part in my life as a mother I never talked about... loosing a baby. I never have had lost a baby or child...but I lost 2 in the making.
The first came and was brief, sudden. I was in my early 2nd month of marriage. Still in my so called honeymoon stage. I missed a period and didn't thought of it. Then I told my mom about it, she said better go and check. And I found I was pregnant. I didn't know whether I was happy or sad or excited. I wanted a baby..I think Benny would love to have one too. But we just got married. It would be ideal if we had time to enjoy each other before the little one comes.
But it was the will of God. Or so we thought. I was getting excited and was pleasantly surprised. Benny and I took time to think and plan what and how we should re-decorate our home. We were staying with my mom soon after my marriage. Our HDB Flat is not ready(still in building stage).
Then I started spotting..soon pain came and before I knew it, I lost my first baby. Just like that. All in 3 and half weeks of knowing I was pregnant. I was devastated. I remembered fondly that my late father in law was very forgiving. He said he ask "Pu Zai" (Buddha) to bless me and I will be pregnant again soon. Although I was a Christian, I knew that he meant well and prayed in his own way for my recovery. My mother in law took care of me..cooking tonic soups she said would help me to strengthen my womb for a new baby.
My dad told me otherwise :
"Ting, God gives us the BEST of everything. Loosing a baby its not the end of the world. In fact, its the beginning of learning to lean on God for everything. A child lost this way means its never meant to be. Take heart and know that He only gives the best to us."
Then life goes on after that..and true enough almost a year later, when my body and womb has recovered, I was pregnant again. But Natasha as a baby in me also gave me much medical problems. I was bleeding throughout my pregnancy from conception till I was in my 28 weeks. When the bleeding stops, the gynae found too much blood clot in the birth canal and planned that I was to have a C-section.
I was anemic to make matters worse. And had fainting spells all the time. Once into my 20th week, I fainted in town after walking down the steps fro a bus and a passerby rang an ambulance and send me to the hospital. I never got to say "Thank you" to whoever that send me to the hospital.
Natasha was also born prematured..a month shy of being a New Year baby..she was born on 14 December 1990. But she was perfect in every way. Despite of all the medical problems I had to face. She was a splitting image of her dad. My in-laws adored her. And showered her with kisses and hugs. She was my late father-in-law's favourite grand child.
Years later...I wanted to have a 2nd child so that Natasha won't be alone when we are back with God. I was pregnant sometime when Natasha was about 3 years old. This time, we had plans made and then it happened again. Again, I was planning for the baby to come. I had bought all the new baby stuff and bed. Then I lost the baby again..thru a miscarriage. This time, it tore me up really really deep and bad. I found out that my baby was a boy. Which Benny and I had planned to name him "Jonathan" which has a meaning of "Gift of God". I could feel him inside me. Then I bleed like I did with Natasha too. And I thought, that's normal.
But Jonathan was never meant to be. This time, maybe because I wanted a baby so much. My tears were not comforted. I remembered crying alone and I didn't want Benny to see me in tears. I was working in Jardine Fleming back then. Su, my boss was the only person who comforted me. So she send me off to Malaysia, and to Indonesia to work. So that I could forget.
Then I threw away everything I bought for my baby Jonathan. I gave away his baby clothes. I sold the baby cot. I gave away my maternity clothes to the poor. I don't want to see the things I have prepared for him. Natasha was too young back then to understand.
Then a year later..when the dust has settled. My tears have been wiped...I found out I was pregnant again. This time, I told myself not to get too worked up again. Until the baby is born and I am carrying him or her in my arms, its here to stay. Till then, we just wait and see.
2 months into the pregnancy, I started to experience problems. The gynae suggested a fluid test as I was nearing 35 years old. Which I did. And they found out she's a girl and may be a sick baby with multiple deformities.
I remembered the people around me...crying for me silently and praying for me. I remembered Auntie Katherine and my late uncle Daniel Chen(both from USA)..they prayed for her and for me.
Benny and I cried for her. We told God that we do not want to bring her into the world to suffer if she has all these deformities. We ask God to take her away like He did with Jonathan and my first one. But God didn't. In fact, the specialist doctor told us that the fluid test is not a 100% proof that the baby is deform. After all, one is taking fluid in the womb that had the baby's dead skin cells being tested. Its just to know what to expect and how to react.
My dad said "If God gives you a baby and He doesn't take it away, then the baby is meant to be yours forever! Learn to lean on Him and pray for deliverance"
And so we did...for 5 months till her birth, we prayed..together with Brother Kim San from our church. Brother Kim San lead a group of Christian brothers and sisters and prayed every Thursday for her. They ask for God's healing and strength.. For months, no one knew what to expect and along the way, many grew weary. Brother Kim San stood on his ground and lead the group to pray with faith put on God.
My little girl was born prematured..at 30 weeks. The moment she drew breath, the doctors wheeled her into the incubator. They drew blood from her tiny body to check if she had blood disorder and X ray her to see if she had any deformities inside her. After going thru a battery of tests, scans and X Rays, they found her PERFECT in every way.
When I was awoke from the c-section, Benny and I returned Melody Lim to God...and Thank God for giving her to us to care for and to love. That every breath she takes, is a gift from Him. And every word she speaks, she would speak of His Glory to us all.
Now moving forward.... my Little Melody is 12 years old. Just finished her PSLE and came out tops! Her sister, Natasha is in her first year in University.
When I looked back in time..I knew of the many tears I have shed in silence for Jonathan. I dont' talk about him to anyone. Because it still hurts. So I can understand any woman out there who tells me that they still grieve over their lost baby. If Jonathan is alive, he would be 14 years old now. But I know deep in me..he is in Heaven. Waiting for me and Benny.
Till that day comes, my tears for him will still run..silently, in moments here and there.
To all who frequents my blog and read it with comfort or in sadness...do know that God oversees us in everything we do. He will give you a child of your own some day..some time. Just learn to lean on Him.
Song sung by actor Doris Day..A song I loved as a teenager when I use to be in the school choir. Our choir teacher use to teach us to sing this song. I don't like Birthday songs..so I decided to use this for my birthday post.
I literally swinging on a star now..coz my king at home is happy with the Birthday noodles I made for him on his birthday, that's yesterday. I couldn't post yesterday because I had to go to Robinsons at Centrepoint. To assist Chef Halimah in her first class there.
Benny ask for Tonpo Ruo(Stewed Pork Belly) for lunch this weekend. And I thought it was such a good way to use that for his birthday noodles. Litrally breaking way from tradition for a while.
Here's my recipe for this..very elaborate and long winded. But the time is not wasted when someone you are trying to cook this for, appreciates it.
Tea Smoked Tonpo Ruo with noodles Recipe by Gina Choong
Ingredients 1kg pork belly 5 pcs Slab brown sugar 30ml Dark soya sauce 100ml Light soya sauce 2 tsp Szechuan peppercorns 1 tbsp Tie Guan Yin(Chinese Tea leaves) 800ml water 200g spring onions
Ingredients for Smoking 1 cup rice(uncooked, raw) 2 tbsp Tie Guan Yin(chinese tea leaves)
Method to cook the pork 1. Heat up a pot of water to briefly cook the pork for 5 minutes. Discard the water, wash the semi cook pork in tap water. 2. Using a large claypot or big casserole, lined the bottom with spring onions. 3. Put the pork belly(side side down) on top of the spring onions. 4. Stuff tea leaves in a tea bag and also the pepper corns in another tea bag. 5. put in on top the pork. 6. Pour in all the liquid ingredients and making sure the liquid covers the pork. 7. Turn on the fire and leave it to boil, then lower the heat, cover the pot to simmer for 2 hours. 8. Check on the liquid, add hot water occasionally if the level drops below the meat. 9. Test for tenderness of the meat to make sure its cooked through. 10. Turn off fire, remove the pork from the sauce and leave it on a plate.
Method to smoke: 1. Line an old wok with aluminium foil. 2. mix rice and tea leaves together and toss it all over the foil. 3. Put a wire rack/steamer rack on top. 4. Cover the wok and turn on the fire at high heat. Wait till you see some smoke emitting from the sides of the wok, then turn off the fire. 5. Place the plate of pork on the rack, cover the wok again. 6. Leave it to stand(without turning on the fire) for about 1 hour. This allows the meat to absorb/fused with the tea smoke.
Method to serve : 1. Cook noodles over hot water, drain in cold water.Toss it with sesame oil. 2. Add it into a bowl. Place sliced Tonpo Ruo on top of the noodles. 3. Pour hot stewed sauce on top of the noodles. 4. Serve immediately.
Notes: I use Tie Guan Yin tea because its 'greener' despite being dried. And it emits a nice robust tea flavour in cooking and smoking.
If you have the patience for smoking, go ahead and try it. Use it to smoke any kind of meats(only after its cooked). If not, just omit the smoking part.
I mentioned old wok because I have a wok that is heavily scratched/spoiled by the domestic helpers I have in the past. I never throw it out. But use it for such purposes.
Today is our 22nd year of wedded bliss..yes, Benny and I were married on this day, 22 years ago, in 1988. The day after, we flew to LA, USA to have our honeymoon. It was also his birthday.
I remembered our first anniversary, spent in our first home. We were broke after spending all our savings on the wedding, the holidays and doing up our first house. Back then, I couldn't cook a decent meal. I was literally an amateur in every aspect as a home maker. Being old fashioned and old school, Benny wanted no cakes just a bowl of noodles soup with an egg and maybe a chicken thigh on the side. And that was what we had.
To make it look romantic, I tried to put up 2 candles, and I bought sparkling juice to make up as champagne like the kind we see in fancy Hollywood romantic movies.
It was the most memorable day for me that day, 21 years ago. Why? Because I can't cook, I think I was a lousy wife. And I cook that noodles straight out of a pack of Instant noodles with the soup base pack. The chicken wasn't even there. Just a soft boiled egg swimming inside the soup.
When he came home from work, he knew I was up to something. After all, its our first anniversary. He sat down to have noodles with me and drunk up all the juice. He was smiling at me. But I couldn't bring myself to smile. I was really miserable. And then he said to me :
"Love, why so glum? I want to remember us in all the years to come that you are my wife, the one I married because she loves me and cares for me. Never mind if she can't cook very well. But she meant well, and tried her best."
by then, I was almost driven to tears. . And then I said to him:
"Ben, I am such a failure. I promised to cook something you like to eat. But all I could do was instant noodles and an egg. I couldn't figure out how to cook the chicken till its tender like those Hainanese chicken style. I am sorry if this meal was not what you expected"
And then he said:
"Its you I need by my side, all the days of my life. And all the things you can think of and plan for me. Even though you couldn't do it properly. From this day forth, let us not celebrate our anniversary. But showed each other our love, attention and care every moment of our lives together. Its better that way than to wait for that one day to celebrate. Because we do not know what the future holds for us. We should love and care for each other every moment."
So here it is..we kept true to that promise. We are not celebrating in any way our Anniversary. Because we have been celebrating it every day, every moment, every minute of our lives together. In everything we do. In every breath we take. We tell each other of happy things and sad things and angry things we do everyday, the people we meet..the places we been in our day past.
This song "I Can't Smile Without You" By Barry Manilow was a song Benny use to sing to tease me, whenever I was trying to do something that was beyond me..mainly it was to cook something for him and I can't do it well.
May you have a Blessed life and wedded bliss with your better half..!
