Loving Mama

The Moon Represents my Heart, sung by the late Teresa Teng in Chinese

This is one of my mama's favourite old chinese romantic songs. She has many..but this is always her favourite. I grew up knowing it. When I wedded Benny, I told him about it too. When my girls were born, they grew up listening to it in the background when Mama takes care of them in her house.

Its been a while since I last wrote. My usual ramblings is always about work, and more work. Its never easier now, even with Benny quitting his job and helping me full time at our shop. My days are filled with only work at the shop, designing and scheduling baking classes for the studio. Finding new products to sell, etc. 

But my post today is not to talk about work..but to talk about loving mama. For the past few years(sorry, I actually lost count!), I have been hosting Chinese New Year lunches at home..inviting only my parents, my sister, and her husband, my niece..and also Benny's friend and his wife. 

After all, every year I do the same, why talk about it? I want to talk about this because my mom told us over lunch yesterday, that she is 80 years old. And she thought that God wanted her home some 6 years ago after her major surgery to remove cancer cells in her pancreas. Well, apparently not..!  But also the fact that I slaved the day before or should I say, the wee hours into the night, cooking and cooking and prepping everything to make it perfect for lunch with mama. Why?

Because everytime I cook for her, I am reminded as a child, how I loved Chinese New Year and the reunion dinner I have with her. Where she slaved into the wee hours right up to dinner time. To cook up a feast for us. And she knows who likes to eat what, she does it so perfectly. In the early years, almost every family comes from humble beginnings, many are poor. Having a father who works day and night just to put food on the table, a shelter over our heads while a mother sews and mends every torn clothing, bedding and saves every coin so as to keep her family together. So when it comes to Reunion Dinner on Chinese New Year, every dish is a luxury..like eating gold and diamonds. Even though its just chicken and soup that is only filled with cabbages, leeks and fish balls. Some stir fry vegetables on the side, possibly some hard boiled eggs too. If the year has been good, mama would get some fresh sea prawns, steamed and lightly doused it with Chinese wine. But having a steamed fish is a must too.

Such simple fare, these days we eat such dishes on a daily basis. But I remembered with great fondness, how much I adored and loved these simple dishes mama used to cook for us.

And that is why these days, the young people do not favour Chinese New Year, nor the food on the table. Some don't even show up for dinner or come on time.

With many of us now earning a good salary, having chicken is nothing special. But yet every year, mama would cook the same dishes..and serve us her very best. The fattest chicken, the slurpy-drool-worthy soup that is all just fish balls and cabbages.

After her surgery, mama became weak and many times she would throw tantrums and every Chinese New year, I saw a side of her which no one saw..she was sad. That she couldn't cook for us again. It was there and then, I decided and I swore to God that I would carry that burden for her. 

And so now, every year since then, I would slave into the night, cooking superior stock, get the biggest slab of pork and cook it for her. Because she loves pork. And she still has that adventourous streak in her to try all the new dishes..so each year, I created a new pork dish for her. 

And I instilled that into my girls..that they must have respect for mama..

This year, our Chinese New Year lunch at home, even Benny took out his laptop to run a couple of old Chinese Songs like the one above and show her about how others sung it. 

here's mama having a king prawn sauted for her by our eldest daughter, Natasha..

Why is it important for me to continue to learn to cook? Or to try out new ways to cook? If mama did it for us, why shouldn't I do it for her? And I shall continue to cook for her, not just Chinese New Year, but also Christmas and all the other festivals or birthdays we are to have with her.

And it is also through this simple lunch, our values and culture are once again renewed. We were raised by mama to always have respect for our elders and we cannot sit at the table or dig into the food until mama says so. And everyone waited for mama's instruction to say "ok, let's eat now..". And we will all take turns to cook for her, scooping soup on a bowl for her, serving her as if she was the Empress Dowager from the Imperial Court.

Here is the Roast Pork I did for mama this year. The sauce is home made. Using Mandarin Orange to cook into a marmalade(jam) and later used to marinate the pork for 48 hours..and slow baked in the oven for 4 hours..

She had many slices of this..and took a couple more home so she could eat it again the next day. To many more years ahead, Mama, you are loved..and thank you for teaching me the right way to go..to love and to respect my elders.. 

Yours Truly,...

Yesterday I attended a wedding dinner hosted by my ex-boss, Miss Ong Su-Chzeng. Her only daughter, Mirai was married in USA on 24 March 2012. A special dinner just for her and her friends, family from the region. 

Su send me an e-card invitation in mid July and her personal request was to ask if I could baked some wedding cupcakes for the reception. How could I say no? And I told her if she didn't ask me to bake the cakes, I would not talk to her for a long time. 

Su came to our shop together with her friend, Aileen to pick and choose the kind of boxes they would like to have as favour boxes. And since it was also Mirai's wish to have mooncakes for her wedding, Su picked a Love mooncake mould. I decided on flavours and a new flavour of lavendar lotus paste for it.

The dinner was like most of the ordinary of all wedding banquets. But this one was different from the others I have gone to. Su has invited some of our colleagues from my days in Jardine Fleming where I used to work at. There was laughter and joy as we chatted over good food and good wine..in a company of old pals and new ones too. 

Then Su went up to the stage and talked about dedications she wants to make ...for all the people who stood by her all these years. From the days when she was still in Tokyo, Japan right down to the years she came to Singapore to work and raised Mirai. And as usual, she has to talk about me again. About me doing the cakes, about  me being her "Forever Staff" and she was my "Forever Boss".  Then she made a surprise announcement about something she wanted to do for a very long time..some 20 years she said. A book she wanted to publish for Mirai. And there and then, I knew what she was talking about. It was her late husband's short stories he used to write for a Japanese magazine. She wanted so much to collect these stories and publish it into a book. She knew what she wanted. But however, she never found the courage to do it until now.

When she spoke about the book, tears welled up in my tears because I knew the story behind it. All the years I have worked with Su, for Su, knowing her, I saw the hurt, the pain she had to go through whenever we touch base on this book. She had the book printed in Singapore, with the help of a friend we all knew, Miss Eleanor Fong, from Xpress Print. It was not meant for sale, and she had limited copies printed. And it was to be given to a fair few. 

After her speech, I went up to see Su privately and I told her a bit of how the book was collected..and Su wanted me to go up and tell Mirai and everyone else how important this book was to all.

ok, why should we get so emotional over a book? Why is this book so important? Are the stories in there happy or sad? This I can tell you, its a happy book with happy stories. Of course, Mirai was too young to write, much less express her thoughts. Seeing the world at large through the eyes of a loving father of  his little girl growing up in Japan from the age of 3 years old till she was 5 years old. 

This was totally unprepared, un-rehearsed and I didn't expect myself to be up there holding the microphone to talk. So I ask that Mirai stood next to me, to hold my hand because as I spoke, tears will flowing freely from my eyes. And I said :

"Su came to Singapore more than a decade ago, to start life anew here. She came with many things, one thing was always in the back of her mind was this book that she wanted to publish somehow, somewhere in time. A book she said will be called "My Name is Mirai". However, the soft copy of the book was all typed out in single document files. And its all kept in a laptop. Su gave me the laptop for safekeeping, she says. 

And she tells me "Gina, if you can, backup all the files from it and copy it into a diskette for me."

I tried to access the computer, boot it up and it just won't start. Through a series of hardware diagnostic, tests etc, I managed to retrieve all the files. But when I try to open the files, many appeared gibberish. And there was folder which had more gibberish name to it. In there were 15 data files. Of which 10 files were read-able. The rest were corrupted.

I asked Su about it..I remembered it so clearly..she went silent for several minutes. And then I knew.. I just knew what it was.

So Su asked me to go to her house to pick up some books. I thought it was some children story books she wants to give to Natasha. But when I was there, Su just said :

"All the books are in that brown box. Please bring it home to read."

And I ask Su which is Chapter 1 or 2 or 3. And she said "Gina, there is no chapters. Just a story each month for 15 months."

I couldn't retrieve the digital copies for some of the stories. And I knew that Su wanted it to  be re-printed. And printers wants soft copies for layout, etc.

So I took it upon myself to re typed the lost 'chapters' from the computer. When Su found out that I did, she stop me from doing it. 

I encouraged Su to get it printed and I asked her back then how she wants it to be done. She says:

"It has to be a book that is black and white. The front cover must also be in Black n White. And maybe it has a picture or photo or something..something about Mirai. And the book will be titled as 'My Name is Mirai' "

It was always my intention to draw using just a 2B lead pencil, what I think Mirai would be liked. Drawing just silhouettes of a little girl, in all her curiousity about every day things and the things that made her happy. 

But I got worn down by work and life at home. And with my late father-in-law's long illness and my pregnancy with Melody was difficult, I never took time to do the drawings. But in my heart, I remembered all the things that Su used to tell me about Alan Booth, her late husband. Of how she was 'romantically challenged'..that's the words she used instead of "courted". She would tell me of things that she was happy about, or unhappy about. 

One of the saddest thing I have known Su for was to talk about Alan openly, freely in any way. It took like forever to hear her spoke of him fondly to us or even to Mirai. How she buried herself in work, how she never find courage to step into any hospital to visit anyone because she is plagued with unhappy memories of visiting Alan in his last days of suffering.

Falaq was at the wedding last night..and we both cried and we kept wiping our tears. Seeing the book gone to print was like seeing a miracle in the life of someone with whom we loved so dearly, coming into grips to reality and with life.

So Su, you have done it. You finally did. And I am so darn proud of you. We all are. All the people who stood by you, behind you, all these years. We are still here..especially me.. Yes, me. Your Forever Staff, forever here.

One last thing I said yesterday on stage for everyone was :

You never get to choose the people you meet each day, but those who left behind, left footprints in your heart, and stays with you forever..




And I know that many of the guests shed silent tears...

Those Glorious years...

Footloose Dance Sequence : Footloose movie

I stayed up last night just to watch a re-run on TV on this movie called Footloose(1984). Well, more like I stayed up just to catch the last dance scene..only to find out that its on youtube too.  And in the process found that there is a remake of the old movie..with newer songs added and possibly some changes to the script and more dance sequences..looks like I have to go and get the DVD for it now.

This movie brought back many memories for me. Bittersweet..some are happy, some are not. The year the movie was released in Singapore and the song became a hit on radio all time. I was working long hours with the now defunct Emporium Holdings. I travelled on public buses with earphones to the Sony Walkman, listening to all these 'hits'. There is Footloose by Kenny Loggins, or "Let's Hear it for the Boy" by Deniece Williams.

1984 was a year of big happenings , big milestones that shaped my life. My late granny died suddenly a year earlier..I was 21 in 1984. Sidney and I were still dating. I had a birthday celebration at home.. It wasn't anything fantastic I did. Because I was still grieving over ah ma. I just want to make ah kong happy. He was already wheelchair bound and often in tears when we gather the family together because he was reminded that his beloved wife wasn't around him. Sigh..life at home is often about our elders and how we should make them happy. Now I looked back in time, I am happy that we make an effort to make Ah kong happy. He passed away peacefully..

This is not intended to be a sad blog entry today. It was a year I learnt new skills, made a difference in my life and made a stand to choose to be happy forever. A year I took to grieve and to let go. The pain I felt and the tears I shed for ah Ma finally came to an end. 

I started teaching in Sunday School in our church and was graced by God for that. I spent much of my Sundays in church. Worked with young kids and got a yearning to study on Ministry to Children and got a certification on it too.  I was taking care of very young kids who are born into unhappy homes. With abusive parent or neglected families.

A year it took me to realise how blessed I was being born into a family where my parents doted on me. My relatives (aunties, uncles, grand parents, cousins, etc) are very close knit. 

A year before, my sister, my 2 cousins and I went to watch Grease at the cinema..after my granny's passing, we stopped doing those cousin with cousin outings. My uncle Andrew told me to keep the family alive by getting the younger cousins to look out for each other as it was something Ah Ma use to do. So it became a life long goal..

Several years forward, having my own girls now..I must have done something about that in the works. My niece, already an adult, would drive the family car to fetch my cousin Doreen and pick up my daughter Natasha for a night out with the girls..drinks, party in downtown Singapore to meet up with Dagmar(another one of my cousins who was visiting us from New York, USA)..

Ah ma..from where you are up there, I did it!!! 



Mind you, Natasha was under-aged at this time when this photo was taken. She was barely 16 years old. But could easily pass out as a young adult so they let her into pubs and night spots and she went drinking and partying with the girls.

The boys in the family hang out in the usual places..the elderly gather together once a month for food, chit chat and gossip on life and everything else.

Till today, I am so proud to talk about us..about our family together. Where we cared for each other, the way Ah Ma expected us to be.

A year later in 1985, I gave up on Sidney and met Benny, the love of my life and the one and only person who completes me. A friend once ask if I had the chance to live my life all over again, what choices I would have made. I would chose to meet Benny again, in fact, sooner. So that we can be together longer and earlier.

Benny and I did many things as most young people did in their age and time. We go dancing together..he was a better dancer than me. We sung all the 60s, 70s hits together too. In every facet of my life, he was there for me. And we shared common interests in life and things, in food and even in drinks.

Today, my life still  evolves around them..the people I grew up with, my family. The man I loved and continue to love. Some days I am tired and hateful of general things. And Benny senses my unhappiness and jumps to it and 'rectify' it. He would say things like "today, you don't have to go to the shop. " or "I bought fresh watermelon juice for you, no ice". I am a simple person, with very basic and simple needs. I don't need fancy lifestyle or gifts to make me happy. To live with me, you need to understand me. And no one does it better than Benny.



Nobody Does It Better Sung by Carly Simon

I hope one day in time..when I grow really old, I can tell my girls that life is better now because we dare to make a difference and make a stand to choose and find happiness for ourselves and to be happy forever.. 

Love me, Always

 I have NOT disappeared..just way too busy and way too tired to blog. On life, on home, on love and everything else. Since my last post, so many things have came and went. Six long months..my knee just gave way to the pain and I couldn't walk for many days..dragging onto almost 2 months.

 I walked with a limp, at night was worse when I need to get up to go pee..I couldn't get up from the bed. I resorted to "no-drinking" of any kind of fluids, soup, whatever after 9pm. Benny was in pain too..not physically though. Mentally, spiritually just watching me wrenching in pain physically. He took me to Gleneagles Hospital to see the specialist doctor. And was supposed to go for a MRI Scan.

I was out of action for 6 weeks. I couldn't teach as I couldn't stand properly. And if I sit down, I couldn't get up without help. I wanted to go and get a walking stick and Benny would see to it that I didn't. And he said to me : 

 "Don't walk around with a stick. Because you don't need one. I will hold your hand in mine, and I will walk with you for as long as it takes." 

And that said, he held my hand and helped me up the stairs in our apartment block as we stayed on the 2nd floor. And when I get out of our car, he would come and open the door for me, and he would help me up. He would pick up my bag for me. Help me with all the little things we all took for granted. For 6 weeks, he would go out and buy food and wouldn't allow me to cook. I run classes on a limp. After weeks of taking medication, the pain slowly and surely left me. 

Now I am back to my old self..happy-go-lucky. And still, Benny by my side..our relationship became stronger than ever, like a double edged sword fought over a 1000 battles. He used to hate watching soap dramas on Channel 8. Now he spends time with me, watching silly soapy dramas with me. Not that I am into such dramas..but just want to relax, cool off my mind from work and things. 

Every day our time spent together is measuring the love we have for each other. Doing things for each other. Then my mom went ill and my sister ask me to visit her whenever I can. And before I could say anything to Benny, he suggested that all my Sundays were to be spent at home..cooking for my mom. And he would drive me there to visit her and chat with her. 

So the past 2 months now..all our Sundays are spent together with my mom. And there were days he went to Johor Bahru with his ex classmates ..just to hitch a ride there as Benny had his tooth extracted from a dentist in JB. He had to go there every 3 to 4 weeks. I wouldn't go with him. But he felt a loss and somewhat strange when he went with his friends. I encourage him to have his own time with his friends. Away from me, family and work. But he is away, I felt a loss too. Some awkwardness that is difficult to describe. And when he gets back, he would tell me of that same awkwardness he felt too. We have grown accustomed to each other. To the way we do things. While we waited for each other. 

Now we do every thing together. Seeing the doctor, doing deliveries, having lunch or dinner. Watching soap dramas, packing stuff. Benny became extremely sensitive to my needs. To how I feel of things in general. He is upset or worried easily if I am upset. And if I am worried, I dare not show openly to him. He became defensive towards my needs. If anyone said anything harmful or hurtful to me, he jumps to my 'rescue'. 

 These days we talked more about growing old together and what we would do when we grow old. Of we should fill up our days should we not be working anymore. We do not know what the future holds for us..but we know we will see each other through all the days of our lives. And he told me that if I grew to be really old and couldn't walk, he would still hold my hand. 

And with that I said to him "Ben, Loving you, Always.. !"

Love and Be Loved

The Moon Represents my Heart sung by the late Ms Teresa Teng.

Ms Teresa Teng was my mom's favourite chinese singer. For years, I grew up listening to this song on radio and later on cassette player when my mom would play it all the time.

I think many of us who grew up in Asia in the mid 70s would know or heard of this song and know of Teresa Teng.

We just got back from Guangzhou, China last Friday afternoon. A short and sweet mini honeymoon sort of holiday. I chose to be this time because its cold in China. We stayed at the Furama Hotel. And quite close to the river where many locals and tourists flocked there to 'romance' under the stars at night or just to sit there and watch the world go by.

I had intended that we go there too..but my knee suddenly misbehave and I was in pain. I couldn't walk very far, and even if I did, I literally took baby steps and very slowly too. I took him to places I would go whenever I travel to Guangzhou alone in the last couple of years. The places I go to eat my breakfast, lunch or even dinner. And I took time to tell him of the things I do to keep my mind off on the family when I was alone in Guangzhou.

Benny literally walked the steps I took..in Guangzhou. Seeing where I have been, places I have gone to shop or just unwind.

However, due to my knee problem, he also took small steps with me. We did the usual tourist thing like going to Beijing Lu(a tourist belt in Guangzhou). Beijing Lu is similar to our Singapore's Orchard Road area. But I was in pain, so he said "let's go back to the hotel to rest. Unless you want to shop and buy things?"

And I said:

"We didn't come to Guangzhou to hibernate in the hotel!"

and then he said :

"But I am tired and tourist shopping for clothes, shoes is not my thing"

But I knew..he was concerned of me. The first 2 days we walked in the bitter cold in our wind breakers and thick coats to have breakfast. Then by the 3rd day, my knee just 'give way'

And he got up early and said :

"I will go and buy breakfast. What do you like to eat?"

We had dinner with friends..with the freight forwarders who handles our shipment. They are more like family to me than business associates. For years, I have treated them like my sisters and brothers. And while we were there, they ferry us around town and brought us round to shop too.

I didn't take any photos with Benny..just photos of him eating. And everytime he digs his spoon or chopsticks into any meal, he would say something like :

'Its good..but it lacks something..."

and then I would go "What? too salty? too oily?"

"No, it lacks the chilli sauce you made for me."

We spent 4 days in Guangzhou China. We rekindled our old courtship days..of us walking hand in hand, doing things for each other. With him opening car door for me or shopping door for me, Waiting for me while I buy chinese junk food to eat.

For 4 wonderful days, Benny make me feel like a million dollars. My love tank filled..to the brim. My batteries re charged. And then on the way back..in the air plane, he said to me

"Let's do this again..maybe later this year.."


Benny having his breakfast at this dim sum joint I frequent..


The next day(2nd day), he ordered his favourite Chives and Minced Pork dumplings...


He waits for me while I took photos of kitty, cats by the road side..letting me do the things I enjoy doing.



and even though he doesn't like pastries and cakes or KFC, he just wanna try every silly thing I did when I was travelling and working alone in Guangzhou China

This is the Portuguese tarts by KFC. We had to order KFC meals just to get these tarts.



And though he prefers normal steamboat over Mala Pot, he just had to try this once just to please me





Even at the Departure hall at Baiyuan Airport, I said must try this cafe's food..so he did.






So to end this post..if you were me..wouldn't you feel that the world stood still for 4 days and your love for that special someone was worth it all?

That's what I felt..Happy, Contended and still very very happy...as if still in honeymoon. And mind you, we are married for 24 years now.

Tomorrow, Suzie will be visiting our shop..the same friend of mine who brought Benny to me..

Wishful...

I Love How You Love Me sung by Bobby Vinton

Today is Valentine's Day. A day where every loving couple shared their moments of love with each other. Different people do it differently. Those who can splurge on good things would take a holiday perhaps, others go for candle-lit dinners of good food and wine. And then there are the many hopefuls out there wishing , and waiting for that someone who is just perfect for them to come along.

Benny and I have loved each other since the day we met..and that was in July 1986. I remembered it clearly because it was about the time after my birthday in late June which I celebrated alone...yet again. Feeling depressed, and lonely, I seek my solace in Suzie, my best friend from school. And she said "Gina, I'll figure it out for you. Give me time to find someone for you."

And yes, she did. She sent Benny to me a few weeks later.

Its been such a beautiful journey I made for Love. And it was planned that Benny and I would spent the rest of our lives together like Valentine's Day. So we did things for each other, say silly love words to each other, every day, every moment of our lives. How time flies, its been 6 months now since he quit his full time (good paying) job to be with me. To work with me and side by side.

I won't say its easy. Initially we had fights, big and small. We came head on clashes with each other. I was always head-strong in everything. Being the youngest at home, my parents spoilt me silly. Always, Benny would give in to me. All the time! But when we work together, he was out of his comfort zone. A place he used to work where he reigns over all. Now I seem to have the say of everything and anything. And his pride was hurt.

I learnt quickly that a man needs to have his day all the time at work. A day his pride is at the best. So I went to God and ask that He humbled me and mellow my overly eager spirit to rule everything and anything. And then God told me "Be the wife in the Bible. The one which the Book of Proverbs spoke of..the woman who puts her family first. And like a servant, she humbles herself in front of her husband. Where she is loved and adored. "

And so, here I am, re-born you might say. And then I looked back in all my years as his wife, I realised that I was always in the background. Always the one who plays the soft and subtle music. The person who stood behind, never in front. The one who spoke only when spoken to.

In the recent months, I wrote funny status quotes about "My boss" at Facebook and people replied "I thought you are the boss?". And then I said "no, I am the one who sweeps the floor, clean the table, wash the dishes and make kopi(coffee)". In short it meant that for as long as Benny works with me in the shop, in our business, he is head of the household, the boss in the company.

We do things together. We seek each other's opinions on everything. I learnt to humble myself and spoke to him as if we are still dating. No more raised tones, no more harsh notes. If I am upset, I show my displeasure. If he is angry, he shows his temper. But all these never passes a day. We end our days with a happy note.

Recently there was sales order we had and it was to be delivered to the customer's residence. I couldn't go with him as I had guests in our studio..TV crew, Mediacorp artistes came to ask me things for their upcoming TV program.

So I told Benny :

"So today you go alone..please drive carefully..slow down if you can. If you are lost on the road, just ring the customer to tell her. "

And then he said "no worries, I got the GPS on, I will figure my way there"

He did his deliveries and drove home. When he reached home, the girls have gone to school..the house was empty, and quiet.
I was still in the shop.

And then he sms me to say :

"Miss you, its very lonely to do delivery alone."

Later that evening, he came to the shop and all he could say was : "how was your day? Did the TV people give you problems? Did you have any difficult customers?"

and he went on and on asking me if my day alone in the shop was okay and whether I have eaten my lunch properly as I was busy entertaining people and I often forgot to eat. Before I could even ask him the same.

And he said to me :

"I think when I am very old, I will ask our girls to send me to the old folks home"

When I heard that, I knew what he meant, I was almost in tears but I put on a happy face and said :

"What? You want to leave me at home with our girls and be their house maid while you play Chinese chess at the home?" Of course I knew what he was trying to say..the greatest fear he had in life was that I wasn't around in our autumn years. And then he would be alone and how he used to wish that he would go first as he thinks that I can handle it without him.

When you reach this age in your life with your partner, Death is something you don't talk out loud. Its said in subtle ways, beating around the bush about it.

And then I told him "We told God many many years ago that He should take us home with Him..together. Never to leave one behind. And I still believe that it will happen this way." And so that was why when we do things without the other, our hearts ached and we felt somewhat awkward in our way.

A Valentine's Day is meant to be a happy day, to talk about love and all the nicest things you share with your better half.

For me and for Benny, we celebrate this every day. And every moment of our lives together.

Next week, from 20th to the 24th February, we will run away together..away from work, family, our girls and home. And rekindled our youthful days of being head over heels with each other..spending blissful moments..

May you all have a Blissful Valentine's Day today..and all the days of your life together..

God Bless you..