Mar 24, 2010

Love is... Part 3

Suzie asked me why I left Sidney. After all, he was a good man. When I looked back, I am thankful that things turn out that way. My late granny's sudden death was like a wake up call for me. To know and to find out. I was unconsolable for days when she died in 1984. Sidney was never there for me when I needed him most.

I felt that my world fell apart when she died. My late granny was someone I adored and admired. When she died, I cried every day, every night. Every waking hour when I rested and every moment I was left on my own. There was no one I cried so much for. Only for Ah Ma. So instinctively, I look for comfort outside. Sidney said I should gather myself, and move on. I shouldn't let a death to 'kill' me. When we met, he seemed distant. We couldn't talk for long. Our dates ended in an hour. He would see me safely home, that's about it. I wanted to stay outside the house as everyone is also crying at home. He couldn't understand that. Most importantly, after knowing me for 1 year, he couldn't understand what I wanted.

But I told myself, he deserves a second chance. After all, we did love each other. So I drag on our relationship for another year. And it got worse. Our days spent together was wasted. We meet every 2 days in a week. Yet I could tell that neither one of us are looking forward to it. Our love came to a total stand still. We met because its routine. Not because we wanted to see each other. The flame has just sizzled away.

In many ways, Sidney depended on me on everything. I was his pillar of faith. The love of his life. That's according to him. But he was never mine to keep. Surely and sadly, I saw how it would hurt our relationship more if we carry on like this. So I left him ..quietly. The year he decided to join YWAM(Youth With A Misson) makes it easier for me to let go. He was a young missionary travelling to Third World countries serving God and preaching the gospel. Each time he left on a mission, I would pack his bag for him. In there would be things he loved me for. A photo of us together, my photos of the things I enjoyed doing, the Bible I bought for him. He wore only shirts I picked for him. And pants that I think matches the colour of his shirts.

It seems cruel that I should leave a man who adores me and 'worships' me like an idol. But something is lacking in my love for him. I couldn't find anything I loved him for. During the period he was away, this could be months on end. I was alone. I was hurt. Many days spend without someone. Someone whom everyone thought was the man I should marry. And suddenly out of the blue, he would ring me and tell me he's home. Not for good. That's so much uncertainty.

Its often said that it takes 2 hands to clap. In this case, I felt its that you need Two Hearts To join together. To be in unison. Not apart. But here is one heart on fire, one heart deadly cold.

I tried to reason with him, asking him to bring me along his missions. I was willing to give up everything I have here. To be by his side. But Sidney said I lived a life of comfort. I would 'die' outside in harsh weathers. He never gave me a chance to be someone different.

It was then I knew for sure..this is NOT the man for me. The day I left him, was quiet. I told Sidney why. He accepted it without much struggling. He didn't even tried to win me back.

And that cut me really deep. I was deeply hurt. I became as sad as the day Ah Ma died. Suzie became my punching bag for months. She tried very hard to make me happy. She had parties at home every other month, inviting the pilots from the Air Force she was working there. I met many pilots because of her. Too many to count. But I wasn't looking for love. I was just filling the gap of emptiness.

When I met Benny, I was still miserable and unhappy. I couldn't shake that off. I don't care how I look on the outside. I wore dresses that I liked which my mom had to scold me for. But Benny saw me from inside. A side of me that is not seen by all the other guys I used to meet.

I was treating Benny like Sidney. I met him because its routine. Because I wanted Suzie to see I am trying to fit in. Not so that I wanted to be happy. It was really miserable.

So when Benny came along, suddenly everything became to clear up. A side of me that had lay hidden, came to light. That miserable monster in me decided to go back into her cave and never be seen again. But I wasn't nice to Benny in our initial dates. In many ways, I knew I was cruel in my words to him. I would meet him on a date for dinner and leave abruptly after the main course was served and never stayed for desserts.

Yet, Benny never raised his voice at me. He waited for my day to end. Then he would ring me at home after my so called meeting/work/party with other friends. Then I would talk and talk and talk. And he would listen on the other end of the line. With the occasional, umm, ya,

He listens to all my stories. All the silly things I said. Some had no meaning. Some had. Then when its time for dinner(which we often met just to eat!), he would decide where we should go. And he always picked the finest places. He made me feel like a princess. After dinner, he would bring me to places just to watch the stars..where there are people walking. Then he would check his watch and said "Its time to go..or your mom will nag again"

All these time, I felt I was like some kind of celebrity with a loyal fan doting on me.

It was a wonderful feeling..makes me wanting more..

End of Part 3..

ps..this post today makes me sad and happy. Sad because of past hurt memories left behind by Sidney. Happy because Benny filled up all the unhappiness I had. And Happy that he leaves for work each day with a smile on his face..only for me to see!

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