Mar 26, 2010
Love Is... Part 4
I used to believe that quote or saying that goes like this:
"When you love someone, let him go. If he comes back to you, its yours to keep.
If he doesn't, he was never meant to be"
Soon after I 'quit' on Sidney, a part of me was remorseful. After all, there were some good times we shared. So I waited for him. Hoping that he would turn around and come back to me. But he didn't. He never came back.
I spent 6 to 8 months in silence. Being resentful of all things about him. I threw away all the things he used to give me. Although I kept his photos of us together. Taken on my 21st Birthday party. Because that was a memory of birthdays past. Only 1 photo of us together.
When I met Benny, I wasn't looking for love. I treated Benny as a casual friend. To meet, have fun, eat, drink and be happy. However, Benny was looking for his Miss Right. When he first set eyes on me, he knew I was the one for him. I found out about this through Suzie. Because he would tell Suzie that he liked me alot. And wanted her to arrange for us to meet again. Suzie tried to tell me. But I was numb. I wasn't really paying attention.
We dated..as a group. With me and Benny, with Suzie and her boyfriend. A few dates..almost every week. Then I suggested single dates..just Benny and me..so we can get to know each other better. Actually, I just wanted to help him save money. He was paying for everyone's meals and drinks at the lounge.
In the month I met Benny, I had planned earlier to go on a short holiday trip to Malacca with my ex colleague from my ex-job. It was my first maiden trip to anywhere. My mom never allowed me to go anywhere alone. So I really wanted to do this. When Benny came along, I cannot say no, not to go. So he ask if I could cancel this trip. Because he said he will miss me when I out of Singapore.
I told him, I already paid in full for this trip. And its only for like 3 days and 4 nights. Its not like I am gone forever! He doesn't look very happy when I said that. Still, he quietly let me go. I packed my bags, just 1 big bag and I had to go to town to wait for the private bus which will come and fetch me for the long journey.
Benny, as I could remember and sensed.. was most unhappy that night. He put some money in my hands and told me to have a good time. I told him I had money to spend. I saved up for some time for this trip. But he insisted. Those days, there was no handphone, just a pager. No emails or Facebook or Blogging. No digital cameras or MMS. So letting me go was really not to be able to hear from me or see me.
On the bus, I sat to think ... Benny sounded like a caring person. He was nice to me all these time. Could he be the one? But then, Sidney was like that in the initial period too. So I left my present memories in Singapore..and off to Malacca I headed.
It was during this trip to Malacca I found the answer. There, I was eating, sight-seeing, going places, shopping with friends. Going to the beach. Doing all the fun things with friends and all sorts. Yet, something was missing. Something wasn't quite right. I couldn't put a finger to it. What was it.
My good friend Siew K ask me what seems to be bothering me. I should be having a good time, but I look like I wasn't. So I told her I met Benny and dumped Sidney. Siew K knew Sidney and met him on several occasions. But Siew K told me :
"Follow your heart. Where it aches for someone you don't like, let it go. Where it aches for someone you like, you find him. He's for keeps"
Like a two edged sword, these words followed me home, from Malacca to Singapore. I was due to return to Singapore late into the night..but the Causeway and customs were less busy. So the private bus took us back to where the journey started and I got off at heart of Orchard Road. I make my way to see Benny..instead of going home with my heavy bags.
I had to follow my heart, like Siew K said I should.
When I came nearer to his workplace, I stood afar to peek at him. I saw a sad man. Working like a headless chicken. With his colleague Kevin(Suzie's boyfriend) telling what to do and how to do it. Benny was Kevin's boss! Then I walk into the store and pretended not to see Benny. And I talked to Kevin instead. We were laughing and giggling over my stories of Malacca..yet at the corner of my eyes, I was also looking at Benny.
He stood there..in awe ! Just smiling, just staring, just listening.
Later, I had to go to the photo studio to develop all the rolls of negatives and with time to spare, Benny took me to Dynasty Hotel(now known as Marriot Hotel) for tea. And again, I was talking about my trip to Malacca, how it was. When the photos were developed, we sat in the tea house and I was showing him all the places I went.
It was then he wanted one of the photos of me..alone. Where I stood outside a Malay village. He said he wanted to keep that.
This was the photo he took from my album. I got it back when we got married.
And it was then he told me how much he missed me. How gruelling his days were when I was away. Even though it was just 3 days and 4 nights, it seem like forever. Some days he forgot to have his meals. He buried himself in his work. Going home just to wash up, and sleep. And each time he wanted to pick up the phone to ring, he was reminded that I am away.
He told me...
"Please don't go away again. Not less I am going with you"
We are to meet the next day after my trip. Because I was still on leave from work. He planned for this day that he was to tell me how he felt about me. It was a lovely dinner we had at Singa Inn(seafood restaurant by the East Coast). Then he broke his silence and told me in 3 words and 1 exclaimation mark which I told was out of place!
He wrote on a piece of tissue paper ;
"I Love You ?"
errr...why is there a Question mark, I mused aloud.
He said :
"Because I know I love you. But I also know you have been deeply hurt by your ex boyfriend. Its not easy for you to accept another person. That ? mark meant for me to ask if you can love me or accept me."
In my first blog entry of this series of Love Is ...
I wrote :
Love is patient;
Love is kind;
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
My heart broke in many places that night. I was speechless. No one has ever made such an impact before. No one except Benny. Who could silently stand in a corner. And waited for me to heal. And waited for me to come. And when I did, he never push me. Never forcing his ways into my life.
I was taken aback by his simple gesture. I told him to give me time to think. Even with that said, Benny was beaming. He smiled and again said
"Its late, we better go. Your mom would be upset if you are home late"
End of Part 4...
Thank you all for reading my story.. and all your kind comments you have left on my blog. There is someone out there for you, if you are alone now. Believe in it. Because mine came to me in my darkest moments.
I will continue to write about how I finally give in.