Mar 27, 2010

Love is... Part 5

I used to have a diary which I would write my thoughts for the day. I don't write everyday. Only moments or things that catches my eye or my attention. So in it, I penned down my thoughts. The diary kept the log of my days after Sidney, my days when Benny and I met. And it ended when I finally said "I Love You". I lost that diary when we moved. All was left were just memories of past hurts, and happiness.

So writing this now in my blog was essential and important. For as long as I still remember the finer details, I should write about it. Thus, my many parts of this "Love Is..." came about.

When I found out how he felt about me, we met more often. Like every 2 days or so. And he would ring me every day. Until I had to stop him. Because I was working and my boss would think I am not..! So I limit him to 2x a day. Once in the morning and another around tea break at the office. Like clock-work, he would ring me at the start of the day, before I leave for work. And later in the office around 4pm, he would ring me again. Nothing much to talk about. Its often just for him to hear me say "Hi or Hello". And he would ask how was my day. So I had to tell him in 2 to 3 sentences.

Its a nice feeling. When you are in love. Someone who looks forward to see you and to hear from you. If I had to go out the whole day, I would tell him my schedules. Because it meant that he could not hear from me. As mobile phones back then wasn't popular.

All my colleagues at the office knew about my new love life. Often, I get teased at. Because Benny sounded like a love-sick puppy. And I was more embarassed and often shy away from all the attention which he showed openly.

Soon after I met Benny, a month later, we moved house. From my mom's old place near Kallang Bahru(yes, my KC store is at Kallang Bahru too..) to Jalan Kayu. We had a small pet dog named Jimmy..a Pomeranian.

Jimmy was an old dog and he didn't quite figure out new houses. So he got out and was missing. So when Benny rang me the next morning, I was in tears. I told him "Jimmy's gone..!" He tried to console me and said maybe he will come back. But my mom rang me to say no one return Jimmy and Jimmy never came home.

That day wasn't a day for us to meet..but I ran off to see Benny. I cried. Because Jimmy was my very first pet dog. The one I took out my savings to buy, with my sister's savings too. Jimmy was special to me.

Benny didn't know how to react at that point of time. All of a sudden, he grabbed me..and hugged me tightly in his arms. And told me that he will be here for me if I needed to cry or needed someone to listen...just to listen. And that was like...

gosh..! In the busy road along Orchard dusk..when the sun was almost going to set. Where people are still rushing in and out of down town Singapore.

I was speechless.. I didn't know what to do, how to react. . For a moment or two, I stood motionless, in his arms. Enjoying the warmth and tenderness I longed for a long time. Then I spoke up..saying I had to go home.. to go out and look for Jimmy.

As we parted, Benny took me to the taxi stand and he hailed a taxi to take me home. He gave me money for the ride and said he will ring me tonight to check on me.

And when he did, all he could hear was my pain. And it was the first time he felt my pain. 2 days past, Jimmy was still missing. Then on the 3rd day, a lady came to return Jimmy. My mom rang me at the office to tell me the good news. And all I could think of at that moment was Benny.

I rang him and even took half a day's leave like super urgent, I told my boss. Finding all sorts of excuses to give her so she let me off. I went to see Benny. I took a bus there, the journey wasn't long but it took a while to reach. And I started to wonder, why on earth would I take half a day off to see Benny when I should be rushing home to cuddle Jimmy instead? After all, these 3 days were spent crying for my lost pet??

Being boss, Benny could just walk out of the office. He took me to the cafe at Dynasty Hotel(now Marriot Hotel). So there I was, I told him about Jimmy again. He was happy for me. Smiling cheek to cheek, so to say.

Then I changed my tone...I became quiet suddenly. He noticed that. And ask me what happened. It was then I told him about my feelings:

"Benny, you are the only person whom I shared my inner fears. When Sidney was around, he could never understand what I had to go through. If I had tears for someone or something, he would instruct me like my mom would. And ask me to be like an adult and move on with life.

With you, I can be totally myself. I can be happy or sad, angry or upset. You never make me feel any worse. But instead, you are always here for me. You don't tell me what to do. You give me space and gave me time to think. Time to reflect and time to heal. And if I didn't, you never imposed on me how I should do it. But instead, your subtleness is like a light at the end of the tunnel..guiding me the right path to take.

I now know what I missed out in life. You. If God had send me angels, He sent me one today and I think He also sent the only one that would last me a lifetime.

You are all I ever need and will need. No more, no less. With that said, yes, you can now rewrite your devotion to me. There shouldn't be a Question mark at the end of your "I Love You". And yes, I Love You, today, tomorrow and every moment, every minute and with each breath you take, I will always love you."

*** This phrase of "I Love You, today, tomorrow and every moment, every minute and with each breath you take, I will always love you." became our way of life. We tell each other every day before the day starts and every night before bedtime.

While many would just say "Honey, I Love You"..we had to say the whole sentence, over and over again.

I have left out many mushy bits and pieces..but this one phrase I wanted to share was because it made us what we are today. This November 2010, we will be 22 years happily married. But I have loved him and he loved me for 24 years.

End of Part 5.

1 comment:

Tania said...

geez...i'm starting to tear...